To the you, you wish you become

Letter Challenge Day#9: Someone You Wish You Could Meet

 

Forgive me if whom I chose comes across as egotistical in any matter. 

There are billions of historical figures that I wish to meet; a few hundred book of mormon/new testament/old testament heroes, a handful of celebrities, a few people I've seen yet never met, and even a few family members I've never known. 

But Today, I want to write to my 35 year old Future Self. 

Because who wouldn't want to meet the person you become?

Dear Shaina, Shay, Or Naino- Whatever the people in your world are calling you these days. 

I often sit by myself in ponderous anticipation and wonder what you are seeing through your eyes at 35. 

With the influence of my sister being married at 18, my mother at 19, my grandmother at 16, two of my aunts in their teens. And my best friend at 18. All with multiple babies by my current age of 23; I wonder, and hope, that at 35 you are cuddling on a couch, cushioned in your favorite blanket, Mr knightly somewhere close; In the arms of someone electrifying in love with you. Someone who wears a band on his left finger, symbolizing his love, and many promises.

I wonder if theirs Children running around and toys sprawled on the floor. 

Do you read to them at nap time, and do they love you like you always hoped they would?

Do you still wake up at 6 a.m. to fix breakfast as I do, but this time, to cook for the one who holds your hand?

Does he make Pancakes on Sunday mornings and Orange juice that knocks your socks off?

Are you still passionate about Photography, and has your writing gotten you anywhere you imagined it would when you were 23?

 

I wonder if Utah couldn't let you go, or if you finally grew your wings for good and flew out, far away, soaring above every doubt and glimmer of faithlessness that anyone and everyone ever gave to you. 

 

Are you shaking hands with the impoverished, trying your best to give a better life to those who seek it. 

Or do you sit as I do now, wondering of who and what you will be 5, 10, 20, years from now. 

 

I wonder because I care. And because simply,  I wonder. 

I wonder If you can be someone I wish you to be. 

I wonder If you will be someone I thrive to be. 

I wonder If life will take another bite out of you and whether you'll let it bruise me to my end. 

Or if you'll swing with a mighty fighters zeal and knock down those obstacles that have chosen to betray you. 

I wonder If you still doubt yourself, and If you've let Circumstance become you. 

I wonder If he ever showed up again. 

I wonder If you've ever figured out love.

Have you taken a chance and fallen in love? Or do you still stand alone.

I wonder where you call home. 

35 Year old Me; Please be somewhere that Today I'm wishing you are. 

Please don't disappoint me and have me find you the same. 

Please... Please. 

Please do not be the same.

I wish your taking advantage of your smile, everyday. 

I hope it shines like it used to and the twinkle in your eyes has strengthened.

I wish love not to elude you. 

I hope the wind sings dreams into your ear and that you sing acceptance back.

Collect beauty in your life and let go of every fruitless, mindless decrepit hurt and pain. 

I wish that when I finally meet you, Shaina at 35, that you can stand in the mirror and say "I am Happy." With the vigor you had lost before. 

I hope I find you baking cookies with 'husband' in the afternoons and cuddled up to him every evening. 

I hope your genes and his have created magnificent kids and that your book of do's and dont's is serving you well. 

I hope you never relinquish the dreams you held so tightly to. I hope you've found a way to open up to that 'husband' in your life and no longer bottle your self up, staring through an opaque glass you silently wish others could see through. 

 Between now and then, I give you permission to spread your battered wings, allow them to heal and than allow them to take you where you never dreamed you could go. 

I know where you want to find yourself.

Please be there. 

Heres to one day meeting you. I raise my glass to the woman you'll be someday.

♥You