I have been alive for 23 years. Just long enough to savor youth and taste adulthood.
I've found a brief grasp of love, the agony that losing it inflicts, and the sweet satisfaction of letting go and letting myself live after.
I've never seen the world from the highest point, but I've seen the vast sky and it's own beautiful world from the shores of the Oregon coast.
I've become familiar with the Bay, sailed through those cozy waters with my closest friends.
Hawai'i has welcomed me with a kiss and a hand of a man I adopted as Uncle, a surrogate father I owe everything to.
I've walked away from opportunity to seek out Happiness; just to miss what happiness was trying to give me.
I can shoot a target in one shot.
I've broken one bone and have the deformed finger to prove it.
Food and laziness has made me lazy; and determination and will have brought me back.
Hurt and anger have used me as a pinata for the entertainment of tainting my soul.
On the other hand, I've used forgiveness to teach Hurt and Anger that I have a voice of my own.
Death has taken from me a Best friend, a Grandmother, an acquaintance; and has crept through the life of my family in turns, almost claiming the lives of my two sisters, my brother, my father, and my grandfather.
God has been the only comforter when my friends, and an uncle have been taken by the law.
I've seen my brother and my sister put together a life of beauty and God when hope was all but lost.
My closest friends were 91 years old and 83 years old.
I sat on Joe's bedside at 91 years old and defined the snow outside his window as he held onto the last string of life.
I've held the hand of someone(s) choosing wrong, just to show them they have a friend.
I've quit 2 job on moral grounds, wishing I had made it more Hollywood movie-esque.
I've been left waiting, in tears, for a date who never showed, 6 times in one month.
I've started writing 5 books.
I've only seen one movie I hated. Eragon.
A dream has been given to me, just to be taken away.
I've done things simply because I wanted to.
I've given up my spot so someone else could fulfill the dream I worked for.
Lies have showed me the character I couldn't see before.
Prescott, Bountiful, Layton, Kaysville, Eagle mountain, Cedar City, Hillsboro, Los Gatos, Saratoga, Varkiza, Agha Mina, Hilo, and Mackinac Island have all held homes for me.
I've seen cheating ruin the lives of my family, paste them back together and then ruin them again.
I've seen cheating continue to ruin the lives of my family and the lives of those around me.
I've seen circumstance become "comedy central" for those who don't take the time to understand.
Friends have removed me from their lives without so much as a wave.
Foreclosure, bankruptcy, separation, divorce, suicides, runaways, teenage pregnancy, drugs, alcohol induced coma, rape, breakups, love, marriage, nephews, nieces, independence, family, farms, travel, school, life, forgiveness, God, religion...
I am 23 years old. I'm not innocent. And i am not Naive. Neither of which I have regrets or remorse for.
I have seen the beautiful and the ugly, heard the screams, the cry's, and the laughter. I've felt hate and love.
I've watched life come and life go.
... I was skimming through my journals last night, which made me pull out some old photos and letters from the many places I've lived and people who have walked in and out of my life.
I got nostalgic for a while, and then I got angry... those memories coming back of pain, hurt and longing.
And than, anger turned to a sort of remorse i suppose. I felt bad for my younger self.
I can't say I regret or don't regret the choices I've made through my life; but i found myself wanting to just comfort that girl who was writing those entries. I wanted to hold her and shout warnings in her ears! I know everything the poor girl is about to go through!
"Eddie will disappear, each year with a new excuse. Please don't fall for him!"
"Brandon has a girlfriend! Those are all lies. Don't run into that mess. "
"Tyler will never see you as you should be seen. Just allow him to be your friend."
"Alex can't be the one for you- his heart isn't in it."
"Bobby won't be ready."
"You can't solve your parents problems! Stay in school!"
"Your not prepared!"
"Dont leave!"
"Yes, chase that dream!"
"Yes! Gamble for love! He could be it!"
"He only wants sex. Don't give him the time of day."
I've found a brief grasp of love, the agony that losing it inflicts, and the sweet satisfaction of letting go and letting myself live after.
I've become familiar with the Bay, sailed through those cozy waters with my closest friends.
Hawai'i has welcomed me with a kiss and a hand of a man I adopted as Uncle, a surrogate father I owe everything to.
I've walked away from opportunity to seek out Happiness; just to miss what happiness was trying to give me.
I can shoot a target in one shot.
I've broken one bone and have the deformed finger to prove it.
Food and laziness has made me lazy; and determination and will have brought me back.
Hurt and anger have used me as a pinata for the entertainment of tainting my soul.
On the other hand, I've used forgiveness to teach Hurt and Anger that I have a voice of my own.
Death has taken from me a Best friend, a Grandmother, an acquaintance; and has crept through the life of my family in turns, almost claiming the lives of my two sisters, my brother, my father, and my grandfather.
God has been the only comforter when my friends, and an uncle have been taken by the law.
I've seen my brother and my sister put together a life of beauty and God when hope was all but lost.
My closest friends were 91 years old and 83 years old.
I sat on Joe's bedside at 91 years old and defined the snow outside his window as he held onto the last string of life.
I've quit 2 job on moral grounds, wishing I had made it more Hollywood movie-esque.
I've been left waiting, in tears, for a date who never showed, 6 times in one month.
I've started writing 5 books.
I've only seen one movie I hated. Eragon.
A dream has been given to me, just to be taken away.
I've done things simply because I wanted to.
I've given up my spot so someone else could fulfill the dream I worked for.
Lies have showed me the character I couldn't see before.
I've seen cheating ruin the lives of my family, paste them back together and then ruin them again.
I've seen cheating continue to ruin the lives of my family and the lives of those around me.
I've seen circumstance become "comedy central" for those who don't take the time to understand.
Friends have removed me from their lives without so much as a wave.
Foreclosure, bankruptcy, separation, divorce, suicides, runaways, teenage pregnancy, drugs, alcohol induced coma, rape, breakups, love, marriage, nephews, nieces, independence, family, farms, travel, school, life, forgiveness, God, religion...
I am 23 years old. I'm not innocent. And i am not Naive. Neither of which I have regrets or remorse for.
I've watched life come and life go.
... I was skimming through my journals last night, which made me pull out some old photos and letters from the many places I've lived and people who have walked in and out of my life.
I got nostalgic for a while, and then I got angry... those memories coming back of pain, hurt and longing.
And than, anger turned to a sort of remorse i suppose. I felt bad for my younger self.
I can't say I regret or don't regret the choices I've made through my life; but i found myself wanting to just comfort that girl who was writing those entries. I wanted to hold her and shout warnings in her ears! I know everything the poor girl is about to go through!
"Eddie will disappear, each year with a new excuse. Please don't fall for him!"
"Brandon has a girlfriend! Those are all lies. Don't run into that mess. "
"Tyler will never see you as you should be seen. Just allow him to be your friend."
"Alex can't be the one for you- his heart isn't in it."
"Bobby won't be ready."
"You can't solve your parents problems! Stay in school!"
"Your not prepared!"
"Dont leave!"
"Yes, chase that dream!"
"Yes! Gamble for love! He could be it!"
"He only wants sex. Don't give him the time of day."
I think, What would i have said to myself, if i had been with myself.
Watch out little Shaina, Your not prepared! He's the worst one! Wait! He has a girlfriend! Choose him! Be friends with her! Don't yell at your mother!
No. You know what I would have said.
Life is an adventure for most people. Yours will be a Cyclone. A violent rotating windstorm in which air masses, rapidly circle inward.
But Every day will be worth it, because when your 23, You'll see that you needed those days to ensure you wind up in that moment 23 years down the road where your sitting at your desktop, wondering who your anonymous lover is, making resolutions to being a better friend, reading journal entries and realizing, that you are a far better person than you give yourself credit for.
Every day will be worth it because you made it.
Every day will be worth it because you pulled the sheets back every morning and had the energy to start the day even amongst the mornings you wish it would end.
Every day will be worth it because you managed to finally believe that those boys who let you go, who didn't try, couldn't see the greatness of who you are and that; that really is ok.
Along with more, you'll find that Eddie taught you patience, Brandon the importance of honesty, Tyler will have shown you an immovable testimony, Alex will be there, and show you the innocence of what love should be. And bobby.. Bobby will change your life.
Those 23 years+ will be worth it. I promise.
So little Shaina.. The one writing those entries. Your Mom will be ok when she's alone.
God will take care of her.
Your family will heal. The sun will still shine. Shantel will live. Danie'lle will give birth to 4 little girls.
Meagan will be your best friend.
You'll find a talent you love.
You'll find some friends... you'll lose some friends.
You'll be fat for about 6 years. But than you'll get serious and work it off. :)
Your going to be hurt allot, and your going to hurt allot of people. But those people will change you for the better. People like Kraig and Jace. Jamon will be taller than you. Luke will forgive you. You'll write lots of letters. Save lots of letters. When you're 15 you'll train your very own horse.
Your first kiss may take awhile- actually, that's one we can change- when your 20- don't go to Chase's house. :p Seriously. Lincoln will always be special to you. Remember that name. And George Wythe College was a gigantic piece of finding yourself- Make sure you go.
God will take care of her.
Your family will heal. The sun will still shine. Shantel will live. Danie'lle will give birth to 4 little girls.
Meagan will be your best friend.
You'll find a talent you love.
You'll be fat for about 6 years. But than you'll get serious and work it off. :)
Your going to be hurt allot, and your going to hurt allot of people. But those people will change you for the better. People like Kraig and Jace. Jamon will be taller than you. Luke will forgive you. You'll write lots of letters. Save lots of letters. When you're 15 you'll train your very own horse.
Your first kiss may take awhile- actually, that's one we can change- when your 20- don't go to Chase's house. :p Seriously. Lincoln will always be special to you. Remember that name. And George Wythe College was a gigantic piece of finding yourself- Make sure you go.
And hey, you'll get 73 pairs of socks for your 23rd birthday. Something to look forward to. :)
Welcome Cyclone.
(Fyi- It is not my birthday. :p )
