saving no one

I feel myself slipping.

And I can't bring myself to care. 

I want to be invisible to all of you. 

I want to hide and never be found. 

I want to close this door and lock everyone out. 

I can't rescue myself. 

... I can't. 

Farewell to a friend

If you want to be my friend, than please do, be my friend. 

But don't give me ultimatums and time frames, boundaries and "If's" and "than's"

When you come into my life, you become a part of me. I love you forever. I'll love you loyally and deeply.

But if you know me and you know me well, you know I'll forget important dates, I'll miss events and have to postpone play days when work or lack of sleep gets in the way. 

I'll ask that you understand that Email and the phone is not my thing. That may make it hard for you, but just remember, to me you are my friend, and a missed email or lack of text messages does not and will never change that. The action of sitting to write an email to you does not pull any weight in the direction of how special you are to me. 

My actions may lack.. but my words are true. My words are honest.  My words are my love for you. 

 

Please don't assume that my life has moments of down time that i "could have written" you, just because I post to facebook or write a blog. 

To me, friendship doesn't mean you have to justify your actions, lack of actions, words, or even explain yourself.

I wont flatter you with explanations and justifications anylonger. I will no longer give you something in my life to judge.

You made this choice for me. 

But just so you know, I miss you already. And I hate that this has to even be a choice. 

 Mike. your right about one thing- this back and forth game of friendship has gone on for too long. So yeah, we can say goodbye. 

For years you've told me how terrible of a friend I am. and for years, I've believed you. 

That never should of happened. 

-Elska

choices to chosen

( thanks to my sis Meagan.. and her awesome post.. I have found my words for tonight )

---

 

Sometimes I'm not who I want to be. 

Most of the time I don't see anything good in me. 

Half the time, I hate, and the other half, I love. 

I have a crush on someone far too young for me, and I'm not sure, but I may be falling for my best friend. 

Though the guy I met awhile back still sticks in my head. 

I can't follow my own thoughts. 

I have an obsession with working out that doesnt just come from the love of it.. but rather a kind of sickness inside myself to continuously be thinner.. for my clothes to get loose... to look better.. be more appealing to other people.. the opposite sex...

If you knew the extent of it, you'd know I spend hundreds of dollars on weight loss pills... diets... slimming shakes and teas... laxatives.. anything to help...  memberships to workout videos and the gym... and although I don't go this far- I'm not always opposed to the idea of throwing up. 

I'm ok with having 3 shakes a day and skipping any kind of real meal. In fact, it's exactly what i do, and i don't want to change that.

I don't know when it started... I don't how it started. 

I like feeling good.. that's a huge part of why i work out.. but i push myself to exhaustion and sickness.. because I think i have all these ideas in my head about how i should look. too many comparisons and self image loathing to think of anything else. 

 

I'm not always very nice. i used to be nice. now it's not hard for me to tell somebody what i think of them. 

I used to be more morally sound and stuck in my 'values'.. now I find myself wanting a tattoo more than anything and im fighting off the urge to 'enjoy' the party like everybody else on almost a daily basis. 

I know what you will all think after you read all that. 

I know your opinions of me may alter and you'll think i've lost all judgement and sanity. 

But you know what I see... I see Human. 

I see that I'm no longer putting myself above others or being put there 'by' others. 

I see that I'm challenging life like so many are. That i'm picking and im choosing. That im fighting, im loseing, and im winning. 

I see someone who is struggling with everyday issues and despite the gigantic boulders in front of me, im finding a way out of each. 

I like this agency thing. I like knowing that whatever it is I choose to do, is because "I" have chose to do it. 

I like knowing that the person I become a week from now.. a month from now.. a year from now.. stems from my choices and the way I chose to make them. 

I find myself enjoying the fact that I am responsible for my own life. 

I like that. 

So world.. and readers.. 

I will flirt because I can. But I will still dream on every star for that someone who will make my heart beat faster than the rest. 

I will wake up fighting, but I will live to embrace the day. 

I will work on 'me' while you work on 'you' and maybe together we can come up with two beautiful outcomes. 

Today is beautiful because I can open these eyes. Tomorrow I hope to do the same. 

But if I can't... I won't regret today. 

And once again... My brain kind of works on its own terms.. so if this was hogwash to any of you.. just bypass it... because all i needed to do, was once again write out what my world looks like, to me. 

-Elska

a ramble of nothing......

So there is no question on what it is I actually do on a grave shift- let me demonstrate for you, through picture. 

 pose one is for quick intervals of napping between customers around 2 and 3 am.

And pose two- this is how grave goes down when it is really slow. 

moving on... :p

I cut bangs. 

 but im embaressed by them. 

so i pin them up. 

 

 Or push them clear to the side. 

... there is nothing going on in my life to write about. I feel this dry vacancy when I try to sit and say something... anything..

I wish I had something inspiring or even cool to say.. 

But i dont... 

heck, im even finding it impossible to reply to emails. 

It's like my brain has become mush. 

Very mushy. 

Grave......

Trouble from the heart......

So here it is, that time in my grave yard shift where somewhat of a 'real' post takes flight amongst my boredom.... 

 I think there must a time in every ones lives, where we 'figure it out'. 

This conclusion comes from the meer fact that there are far too many people in this world to allow that thought or that fact, to be fiction.. let alone, be a thought only pertaining to me. 

By 'figure it out' I'm not quite sure what that pertains to. I suppose that part of the equation is left up to self interpretation. 

Although for me. It's a myriad of consequential moments that have all added up to a sum of an evolutionary event or idea; on my own level of living. 

Tonight has become an evolutionary conclusion of thought for me;

My heart, gets me into trouble. 

It is not my logic that creates my webs.

I suppose in reality there is a series of thought and opinion that goes into this one phrase. But when it comes down to it, my heart is a villain I have yet to win victory over. 

Which is not a terrible thought. Don't imagine me hanging over my blog in depression and sulking at this outcome, because I am quite the opposite at this moment. 

Rather I am delighting in the fact that I see 'myself' as i should be seen. 

And that is perfectly ok. 

But, because my mind creates circles of confusion around my every thought.. I'm going to leave the reasons for my conclusion inside my head. And choose this time, not to expound. 

-Elska

rambles of the unslept......

5 hours in, with 7 more to go. 

Than it's straight home to shower and head to my new job for a meet and greet.. than its a meeting with my ward photographer assistant.. and than maybe? i'll get a nap. 

I swear... do i ever get to sleep anymore?

Why do i do this to myself. 

and why am i posting another blog. 

Meagan, you can be pleased with me tonight... In two hour intervals, im eating almonds and a power bar. :p at least its not a candy bar or a truck stop hot dog.

Meh... I should walk around or something... sleep! Do not devour me. 

Ooh.. on a bad note... if someone wanted to rob jr's and take me for everything i've got.. tonight would sure be a classic night.. I can't run away. I can't even get off this chair. 

P.s. please don't rob jr's or take me for all im worth. 

Spasmatic limbs......

I threw away the donuts! I am empowered!

..But now i've got a craving for chocolate and this magazine that states I can have dark chocolate guilt free is not doing me any favors. 

----

So for those of you who know me... you know that I take far too many diet pills.. am always on the next new diet fad.. I work out far too often and use up all my time between work and the gym.. you could say Im obsessed...

well... it finally did me in. 

I went with Meagan to this "body challenge" personal training thing she's been doing every morning, which I planned on joining ( but my new job failed that idea ).. 

we got there a tad late... so we just jumped in where they were in the workout. 

Now, Meagan thinks im being a pansy and has incessantly teased me, but i'll have you know, that for someone who has been doing this work out for the last month- their muscles and resilience has been conditioned to do so... on my part- I have been doing way too much cardio and absolutely NO weight training.. so, in a class of 11 students who's bodies know just how much they can take.. you know that i just jumped in like i knew it all and did what had to be done. 

because i did. 

but im paying for it now..

The last three days has been misery. agony. Torture. 

No joke. 

and No.. im no pansy and am not being a pansy. 

I am literally borderline immobile.  The step at work is 3 inches high and I swear if I have to cross it one more time I'm going to end my life right here and now. 

I couldnt sleep the last two nights because I can't shift my own weight.. and by can't.. i mean impossible to do so.. they will not move.. cannot move.. i have to lift my legs to rotate at all.. but lifting them a fraction of an inch creates muscle spasms, charly horse cramps through every single one of my toes, my calf, my thighs, and soo much pain that It's nearly unbearable. 

I won't even mention walking, or the burning, bruised and numbing sensations going through my buttocks. 

Call me a woos. But I honestly cannot get my legs to move. 

Obviously im sure most of you know what i did wrong.. Im reading this magazine tonight that missy left at work and It basically shouts it to my face:

"Exercise Pain Free"

'Avoid the three mistakes beginners often make'

now.. im no beginner.. but like i said... I haven't done anything with weights in months.. allot of months. 

"1: you don't warm up, or cool down."

"2: you attack your first session like you're a pro: - Aim for a light 10 to 15 minutes; anymore and you risk stressing your muscles with unfamiliar movements- which can lead to strains and soreness."

"3: you stick to the same activity."

Now, that last one I would say was the opposite for me.. I've been doing the same routines over and over, so jumping into something my muscles were TOTALLY unconditioned or prepared for.. was a bit too harsh for my cardio conditioned body. 

Who knows why I think i have to write all this down. 

Really im just sitting here, praying to the heavens that no one comes in this entire shift so i can sit and feel no more pain. But my bum is going numb and after shifting a bit my calf spasm almost had me on the floor... so, I cant wish for much. :p

Anywhooo... Gym, I miss you. Weights, lunges and squats kicked my friggen butt and took me from you. 

On a different note... I wish I'd brought something other than slim fast... 

Mmmm.. I wish more places in Cedar delivered. 

Off to figure out how to stretch my in-stretchable limbs.

-Elska