The life i want......

I am going to be 25 on November 5th.
I want to be some place within myself when that time comes.
I want to have made goals and begin a start on each one, with a sort of unbreakable diligence. 
I know where i want to be and I have an idea of what i want to do.
So im going to do it.
I am going to aim towards all that i desire instead of keeping on the train of procrastination that i always get trapped on.
I'm finally going to work on me and forget about choosing things based on what i believe others think for me.
Finally i am going to "Be Shaina". A kind of thing i've been working on for years and never reached. well this year... i will succeed.

Its time to sing in the mornings and feel beautiful. Its time to work in a coffee shop simply because i want to, and read a ridiculous number of books.  Its time to start a collection, write down my worries, face my fears, educate myself through a university, Go running on the waterfront, find and grow my talents, and all in all just get serious about my life and where it should go.. or rather, where i would like it to go.

Im done with playing around. Im done with 'moving' to run away. Im done chasing wonders. I want a place of my own where my clothes can hang in their closet and i can fold my own laundry on my own couch as i watch movies i can have lined on a shelf against my own wall.
I want stability and a steady income that i'll create a budget off of and use a real bank with a real visa card.

I want to feel 25. Young and free, yet responsible and adult.
I am ready for this.

Now i need to get myself out of the caribbean.. home for money and my car and than its off to Portland Oregon where the life i want can begin.

Wonders and worries......

Today is October 8, 2012

Today I feel lonely. I feel tears on the brink of falling, yet I suck them in, refusing to accept what my heart aches for.

It’s always this time of year I start to feel so down and melancholy. His Birthday. My birthday. The anniversary of everything that changed me.

I try so hard to let go. But pieces of me still hold on. Unfortunately its all the pieces I care too much about to surrender.

This weekend was General Conference. I didn’t watch it. But boy did that stir up emotions. Emotions I forgot I had.

They changed the age for missionaries. Girls can leave at 19 now, and all I thought when I heard that was “Screw you.” If only they had had that rule when I was 19. I would have served a worthy mission and it would have saved me from the life im leading now.

 Yet in that very same breath, I don’t hate my life… I just hate the things I choose. Im trying to change…. Yet im still unsure who I should be, or in what direction im changing.  Do I go back to the church? Or do I just believe and choose God over the world? And does the knowledge I know keep me from his kingdom, or am I still a good person who is granted his forgivness and love? And if im granted forgiveness, can I truly be forgiven when what I do I know is wrong? And is it wrong because I was raised to believe such? Or is truly wrong and not of God.

I am so lost. I am so confused.

I need a saving grace. I need a light in the darkness.

Why couldn’t I have chosen Jesse? He was saving me. He was helping me see myself again. I miss that. I miss him. I miss all he gave me in such a short time.

A kiss on the cheek......

Today is October 4, 2012

“Life is a runaway train you can’t wait to jump on.”  The best advice Sugarland has to give me this morning.

Though I don’t seem to catch that train very often.

How is it that I’ve flown half way across the world and over the ocean, landed on a tiny island with an entirely new way of life… and I still feel like I’m missing. Missing me. Missing something. Missing everything. Missing out.

How is it that you can leave everything behind yet still not escape?

How can someone ensnare you so entirely that years later, a million kisses and a handful of boys later…. You still only want them. Only love, them.

Now here we are beneath my porch light. A kiss on my cheek. And all I can do is go inside and dream of that one boy.. so long ago. The one who broke my heart completely. The one who accidently holds my heart.

“This learning to live again, is killing me.” Thank you Garth Brooks.  And Thanks for that Bobby Ray.

All I know for Today......

Today is September 26, 2012.

It’s easy to get lost here. It’s easy to forget everyone back home, the reasons I left, and the people who hurt me. I forget it all. Until I choose to remember.

I like that; But then again... I don’t.

I’m creating the same world for myself here that I tried so hard to escape in the states.

I’m learning and making really really huge mistakes at the same time.

I’m letting everyone down at the same time that I’m building a better me.

It’s easy to become everything I wish not to. I’ve fallen into a terrible trap. I’ve created pain. I’ve done terrible things. But in the same breath; I’m finding out what I like and what I don’t. I’m figuring out who I am, how far I’ll go. How far I shouldn’t. I’m taking chances and molding a new life.

In a way, I’m starting fires as I hold onto the water hose.

I’m reinventing myself. Step by flimsy step.

I feel miserable and awful. Yet I feel enlightened and fresh. New and clean.

I don’t even know how to describe who I am or what Im doing.. where im going.

All I know is that I like today. Today is a fine day to live.