Living through 2012

I have lived Strong this year. 

Looking back i have loved fearlessly, i have faced fear and conquered obstacles. 

I moved mountains when i decided to let Today be Today and Yesterday be Yesterday. 

I found reasons to love who i am, and changed those things i couldn't love. 

I made conscious decisions to turn my back on hate, and not associate with what and whom brought me nothing but grief. 

I said No when i wanted to say Yes. And i said Yes, when i would have normally said No. 

I laughed loud and sincere. I smiled with my eyes more than usual. 

I felt sexy for the first time. 

I found what it was to be loved in return. I also found when love was not meant for me, and had the courage to say Goodbye. 

I felt passion. I felt lust. I craved attention. And i sought for loneliness. 

I dove into emotion with both hands. 

I Dug myself a grave, and than dug myself back out. /

I cried while my heart tore inside me. 

I experiences red hot anger, and dark numbness. 

I felt free, and flew higher than ever before. I did things i told myself i never would. 

I loved things i once had hate for. 

I made drastic mistakes and learned to rise above them. 

I followed my heart and let my head sit aside. 

I burned. I froze. I was silent and still. I was loud and furious. 

"If you going to something, do it on purpose."

2012, I lived- on purpose. I broke boundaries and re-crafted myself, on purpose. 

I love with all entirety what this year brought me through. 

I lived out loud. 

-Elska

So long my beautiful 2012

Gypsy.

To remember how painful it is to leave behind love, family, friends. 

To remember how beautiful the world is when you "see" it. 

to remember first meetings, new places, the feelings, the scents, the culture. 

To remember experience, to embrace change. 

To truly find yourself living, to truly find yourself loving. 

An ode to seeking, in flight, with a purpose hanging somewhere in the air. 

To the reasons i decided to lose a wing and find a foothole. 

To remember every broken promise bad timing allowed... bad planning solidified. 

For the places my heart called home, and for those it didn't. 

For the miles my feet have ached, the paths they've found, the hidden mountains they have climbed. 

To remember feeling alive alone, and for feeling lonliness at its depths. 

For new faces i found in every corner of the world, the friendships we created, the friendships i let fail, and for the ones that failed me. 

To remember the grace of perfect strangers wishing you happiness and telling you to "stay strong".

For the languages  you learned and lost. for the Merry Christmas', Felice Navidad's and Bienvenue's. 

To remember the roots of your own soul. To venture the pathways of your own passionate desires, to forge through obstacles when all is lost, all because you are a Gypsy, begging for life to love you, and a life to love, a love, worth loving. 

Happy new Year. 

So long my beautiful 2012. 

A new day for me

Nine days and im gone. 

Nine days and im in Portland. 

I can see life there. I can taste it. I can feel it. 

Im so close. 

Its actually happening. Im finally doing it. My dream is becoming my reality. 

An end to beauty
Beginning something new
twisted skies and dancing hues
I'll wave goodbye to all of you

Breathing in these last days
Keeping the pain i feel at bay
Its a change i need
though a part of me bleeds
breaking my heart
pieces i cannot hold
already forgetting in my new mold

Asking for my chance
pleading with anyone
"Just take a second glance"
This is my life now
Proud enough to take a bow.

Christmas to me

Today is December 25^th, 2012

Merry Christmas. To no one in particular.

Today I am alone. In the Caribbean. Asking myself how to react to that fact.

I chose not to over think it, putting myself into depression. I chose to only allow a couple tears of homesickness before I sucked them up and went for a walk along the beach with my earphone blaring a beautiful playlist.

Turns out Dorthea Bay, when you scale the left banks, eventually connects to Neltingberg Beach. Which is my favorite beach here on St Thomas; and which also holds tremendous amounts of memories for me with my time here.

I walked the beach, shoes in hand, soaking in the surrounding view. There’s where we had the tug o’ war contest, and there is where we played beer pong and flip cup. Here is where you kissed me, in front of friends, with nothing to hide and no cares in the world.  This is where we swam and where you held me in the water.

I can see the faces of that day and the scent of beer, camp fire, spagetti and potatoe salad still linger in the air.

I take pictures to remember, though I know my mind wont let me forget.

Christmas this year marks a mile stone for me. The last chapter in an already unforgettable tale. This is the end to something I had, to a world I’d created… a gateway of sorts, to the beginning of something entirely new.

Without him. Without you. Without that. Without all I can just throw out. I welcome January with open arms.

-Elska

Good Byes

It's not always easy saying Good bye. 

Tonight I found one Good bye to be a new beginning, despite the story this farewell entailed and the sadness behind it.

I could tell it wasn't hard for you. Amongst the words we said, there were signs that proved we both know we're moving on to different lives and that is ok. 

I'm alright with you not missing me.

I'm also alright with hugging you and watching you walk away. 

We shared allot you and I. 

There was pain, and anger. There was passion and love. 

But ultimately,we were two very different lives that tried to force too many obstacles. 

I feel a new chapter coming in to my life. Rather, an entire new book. 2500 pages and counting. lol

I can't wait to start life in Portland. I can't wait to start all i've wanted to since I left back in 2008. 

Welcome me home Oregon. 

-Elska

An Ode to St Thomas

Dear Shaina, 

If your going to remember the V.I. for anything, remember it for the good people you met along the way, like Beni, Eric, Rasta Gavin, Ron-Bella-and Carlo at Rj's coffee. Kevin the Frenchi and Nigel. Good, sweet Nigel. 

Remember it for the friends that cahnged your life, Joel, Kameron, Jake and Charles. 

And the friends that had your back. Devin, Fern, Thomas, Egon, Deshaun and Elliot. 

Remember it for those that taught you lessons and reminded you of what you'd stand for, and what you won't. Tyler, Chris, Rocky, Gabriel, Jeremey, Heather, Lindy, Jason, and Chris (2)

Remember it for the strangers you exchanged good mornings with, all the conversations in passing, the ones that took the time to pick you up on Solberg Hill, for the good samaritans that literally saved you so many countless times. 

Remember the way you felt when you beat the sun to town and you could sit with Coffee in hand, watching it set the sky ablaze as you welcomes each other. 

Remember the way you could see your toes through the top of the sea, the colors of Tropical Fish, the taste of Salt on your lips as the ocean dances around you. 

Remember the smiles and the waves as you walked down the waterfront, those of friends and familar faces.

Remember the Pate's and Christmas lights in the park. The sway of the Ferry beneath your feet. The December wind and cold nights. 

Remember all those nights alone, with Marley-phones, singing at the top of your lungs and unabashed Dancing. 

Remember how the sand felt between your toes and the way the salt water left your hands sticky. 

Remember every little good deed you ever gave away and every time they were awarded back to you. 

The colors. The smells. The language. 

The Laughter in Theaters. Fruit and Coconut Milk stands. 

Driving on the Left. Looking Right. 

Nidal's and Pueblo. Gypsy Taxis's. Johnson. 

Remember the view on Bon Resolution and the way you felt on Dorthea Bay. 

Hold on to every mistake you made, but release the shame and the pain. 

Hold on to every memory you made alone, or together. 

Remember this last Hoorah with every ounce of Gratitude and Sincere Love you can. 

Tomorrow comes to quickly and soon enough all these months will be a blur. Your memory will betray you in ways, as moments and people start to fade. 

But hold on to the way this all made you feel. And never forget the faces brought in to your life on St Thomas. 

------

You are all forever in my heart. 

And St Thomas will forever be, another place I called home and found Love. 

-Elska

Endings to beginings

Tonight the air is cool in Dorthea bay. 

I can hear the ocean as if it is awaiting me on my front porch. 

I am being beckoned to come and play.. instead i take solace in my little home and enjoy alone,  the peace it gives me.

I recently made some decisions that have altered my relationships and the future course of my life. 

And i couldn't be more happy about each and every one. 

W.H. Auden said "Dance while you can." and I believe in dancing, it's not about the perfection of the steps you take, but the passion you put in to them... 

Once upon a time, someone said to me " If your going to do something, do it on purpose."

I've tried to live by that statement ever since. But sometimes i forget. 

I recently remembered and made all the necessary alterations to my life.. including ending a relationship & choosing to leave the island, just to make sure that I was really choosing a purpose worth pursuing .. and one i could pursue with all the passion and desire for 'living' that i have within me. 

It's never easy hurting.. especially when that hurt is shared with someone else. 

it's never easy to say goodbye when not everything was so terrible. 

And it's definitely never easy leaving behind the people and the places that you've grown to love and even become a part of. 

I need to build me, somewhere different. 

It's time to leave. 

Somethings waiting for me. 

-Elska

 

A ramble of sorts

People think I've yet to enjoy this place. 

And if your involved with that train of thought, you would be wrong. 

Paradise. 

Typically associated with White sand beaches, warm weather that leaves no room for goose bumps and an ocean just waiting for you to enter it. 

Paradise.

Maybe it's not in a place... but a kind of resignation within ourselves.... within your heart, that only you and you alone can measure. 

"Paradise comes with its own inherent pressures. It screams "Be Happy God Damn it!"

A good friend of mine who I have come to develop a deep respect and fondness for loaned me a book called "The Geography of Bliss". It's the tale and findings of one mans hunt for the Happiest place on earth. 

Towards the end as he is headed back to America after a year abroad, he states " I am relieved to be leaving this craziness behind. I want to stay. A contradiction? Yes, but one i can live with and even learn to enjoy."

I leave St Thomas on January 5th. Nearly 5 months earlier than i originally planned. A piece of me feels a tremendous sadness to be leaving behind a life and a people that i was learning and loving to embrace. Yet in the same breath, I smile wide when I think of packing my bags and flying away. 

I've been soaring around for so many years, to so many places, to so many homes that were never entirely mine. I've had too many years of borrowing beds and wishing i had a closet i could unpack in. 

I was ready to trade in my wings for roots before i came here. But I doubted that decision for a long enough minute to plan one more Hoorah. 

And it's been a celebration of sorts... a rebirth. definitely.

I've done an incredible amount of Introspection since i've been here. And i'm so pleased to finally say that I know where i want to take the next chapter of my life. 

 it's a beautiful thing when you begin to see yourself as you always wanted the rest of them to.

 i guess this blog post doesnt have allot of purpose... I keep wanting to circle around my words ... nothings coming out right. so instead... I'm just going to end.

Enjoy the day. I know I have.

-Elska

A confounded mind

"Sometimes we do things for the wrong reason, but continue to do them for the right reasons"

Joel said this yesterday, when we picked him up from church. and i can't seem to get it out of my head. 

I think my life might be ruled by this statement, although i think more times than not it is the opposite effect. 

"Sometimes we do things for the right reason, but continue to do them for the wrong reasons."

Although maybe im too hard on myself. because I've really been living well. Lately. 

I even like myself a bit. Which is good news. :P

Needless to say... i guess i just want to be sure that the choices Im making are for the right reasons, and that im living those choices for the right reasons still. 

I want to look back and say i learned and i grew. not that i regret. 

-Elska

A full heart......

Blessings come in all shapes and sizes, colors and origins.

This morning it comes in a West Indie named Nigel, asking me if i made sure i had lunch packed or at least  money for some later. He dropped me on the waterfront and left only after telling me to be sure and call him this afternoon for a ride back home. 

Sometimes I swear i'm cursed. That the world and maybe even God just get a real crack at throwing rocks my way. But other days... like the day i found that dollar on Solberg Hill, or when the guys called to sing me Happy Birthday and offer me the internship... other days i can't deny that God is still on my side and wants nothing more than for me to succeed and find happiness in my doing so. 

Nigel is another puzzle piece to that knowledge. 

This morning I am watching the sun rise above the East mountains ( if you can call them that ); a beautiful hue of Orange and Yellow, painting the sky like a painters tapestry, I can't help but feel anything but Love for this place, and my morning mind is filled with nothing but gratitude. 

I watch the cruise ships roll in and gauge my day on how many show up. 

Three. Today will be a mild day. nothing to get hyped about. Instead i'll get excited about Celine Dion playing in my earphones and await the approaching day as I welcome it with a smile. 

-Elska

For the first time

I’m spinning in my new place; like a girl in her new prom dress. This is a feeling I’ve never had before.

 I start my laundry in the late evenings and read a book until the washing cycle ends. I switch my whites to the dryer, brush my teeth, wash my face, than kick back in my nighty dress, forgetting a bra on purpose and spend the next hour singing Taylor swift, maroon 5 and Sara Bareilles, at the top of my lungs, which im sure my neighbors can hear, yet I pay no mind; I sort through items recently bought for my family, put a picture or two on the refrigerator door, and then stare at the ceiling in complete bliss while the AC lulls me to sleep…

I can’t believe this place is all mine. For the next two months I’m going to take every advantage of it. I’m going to cook… finally! Dancing in panties and deep cleaning…. Insanity in the mornings, Yoga and meditation at night. I suppose living alone, my options are endless… and im stoked.

These are the memories I’m going to hold on to for the rest of my life. The first time I lived alone… and it feels…. Ahh-mazing.

Thank you Kam, Jake, Joel and Charles. I’m a lucky girl to have friends like you.

Honest

"Do the right thing, always" He tells me. 

Even if the right thing is going to cause pain. 

Even if the right thing is going to end a friendship. 

Even if the right thing is going to break your heart. 

A load is lifted from my shoulders at those words. And just knowing what i should do is the reverie i've been seeking. 

Honesty is painful. But i believe truth is beautiful in any form. 

 Yesterday, i built relationships with honesty.

Today i will hurt someone with honesty. 

Tomorrow I'll accept those consequences.

But for now... I'm ok with the truth. It's everything I need and I have to be ok with it, in order to accept everything I am.

How vague this post is... and im sorry for that. 

Truly i just needed to write. 

-Elska

The life i want......

I am going to be 25 on November 5th.
I want to be some place within myself when that time comes.
I want to have made goals and begin a start on each one, with a sort of unbreakable diligence. 
I know where i want to be and I have an idea of what i want to do.
So im going to do it.
I am going to aim towards all that i desire instead of keeping on the train of procrastination that i always get trapped on.
I'm finally going to work on me and forget about choosing things based on what i believe others think for me.
Finally i am going to "Be Shaina". A kind of thing i've been working on for years and never reached. well this year... i will succeed.

Its time to sing in the mornings and feel beautiful. Its time to work in a coffee shop simply because i want to, and read a ridiculous number of books.  Its time to start a collection, write down my worries, face my fears, educate myself through a university, Go running on the waterfront, find and grow my talents, and all in all just get serious about my life and where it should go.. or rather, where i would like it to go.

Im done with playing around. Im done with 'moving' to run away. Im done chasing wonders. I want a place of my own where my clothes can hang in their closet and i can fold my own laundry on my own couch as i watch movies i can have lined on a shelf against my own wall.
I want stability and a steady income that i'll create a budget off of and use a real bank with a real visa card.

I want to feel 25. Young and free, yet responsible and adult.
I am ready for this.

Now i need to get myself out of the caribbean.. home for money and my car and than its off to Portland Oregon where the life i want can begin.

Wonders and worries......

Today is October 8, 2012

Today I feel lonely. I feel tears on the brink of falling, yet I suck them in, refusing to accept what my heart aches for.

It’s always this time of year I start to feel so down and melancholy. His Birthday. My birthday. The anniversary of everything that changed me.

I try so hard to let go. But pieces of me still hold on. Unfortunately its all the pieces I care too much about to surrender.

This weekend was General Conference. I didn’t watch it. But boy did that stir up emotions. Emotions I forgot I had.

They changed the age for missionaries. Girls can leave at 19 now, and all I thought when I heard that was “Screw you.” If only they had had that rule when I was 19. I would have served a worthy mission and it would have saved me from the life im leading now.

 Yet in that very same breath, I don’t hate my life… I just hate the things I choose. Im trying to change…. Yet im still unsure who I should be, or in what direction im changing.  Do I go back to the church? Or do I just believe and choose God over the world? And does the knowledge I know keep me from his kingdom, or am I still a good person who is granted his forgivness and love? And if im granted forgiveness, can I truly be forgiven when what I do I know is wrong? And is it wrong because I was raised to believe such? Or is truly wrong and not of God.

I am so lost. I am so confused.

I need a saving grace. I need a light in the darkness.

Why couldn’t I have chosen Jesse? He was saving me. He was helping me see myself again. I miss that. I miss him. I miss all he gave me in such a short time.

A kiss on the cheek......

Today is October 4, 2012

“Life is a runaway train you can’t wait to jump on.”  The best advice Sugarland has to give me this morning.

Though I don’t seem to catch that train very often.

How is it that I’ve flown half way across the world and over the ocean, landed on a tiny island with an entirely new way of life… and I still feel like I’m missing. Missing me. Missing something. Missing everything. Missing out.

How is it that you can leave everything behind yet still not escape?

How can someone ensnare you so entirely that years later, a million kisses and a handful of boys later…. You still only want them. Only love, them.

Now here we are beneath my porch light. A kiss on my cheek. And all I can do is go inside and dream of that one boy.. so long ago. The one who broke my heart completely. The one who accidently holds my heart.

“This learning to live again, is killing me.” Thank you Garth Brooks.  And Thanks for that Bobby Ray.