Hide your soul......

"Im so unsure of everything right now." i say with what's left of my voice.

My eyes are drawn to our intertwined fingers and I place my other hand over the others, squeezing his softly. 

"..but this.." I say signifying our tangled hands. "..this has never felt more right."

"You, have never felt more right."

I have decided that this story I write.. these words.. these memorable moments that are as real as today.. will either one day heal me.. or hinder me in this process of forging ahead.

In a letter to her foreign love, through the jumble of their mis-communications and seperate languages, a lady writes to her distant lover;

"Hide your soul from me, that I may always believe it to be beautiful."

I speak the same to you. Perhaps remembering you in such perfection.. perfection for me.. I can forget to remember the hurtful. 

I will forever keep you as a beautiful memory I fell in love with.

I write for you......

I look over my shoulder and see those eyes looking back at me. 

If I close my eyes and put my faith in somthing other than you and I, I still can't see a different design.

 So I'll write you a story you can understand. 

I'll help sort it out as the words unfold. 

Because you were right for me;

I better share that.

---

She's shining under those lengthy black lashes, beaming through that beautiful wide grin, tracing tiny circles in the palm of his hand as they sit indian style against opaque kitchen cupboards.

 He reaches for her hand, stopping the progression of circle number 16. And as their fingers intertwine she hears his voice echo with perfect reverence in the still kitchen "I'm falling in love with you Shaina.. "

 

---

Why? Because ... every voice has a story. 

..Even my broken one.

Today and Yesterday......

Dear you, 

I kept the best parts of me deep inside. 

Picking and choosing the 'me' you could see and the parts of me you couldn't. 

I pushed you away before you even realized it yourself. 

I was erasing you every new day as you created a you and I in your own reality that I'd never allow to happen. 

I said I needed the distance.
In the honesty I've now found.. I was just creating a resistance i thought I had to combat against.
How silly I was.
How wrong I was.

How right I am now... a now you wish not to see.

I wished you of promised you'd be coming back one day. 

I'd have some justification in my silly day dreams.. the ones where you show up at my door.

A movie told me last night that you either know its him when you meet him, or when you lose him. 

What if it happened both ways?

And what if.. for just a second, we both believed we could be an 'us'?

Would we be? We should be. We should have been.

Every day still burns like the last.

I still tuck myself in at night drying my tears on your blanket.. that one you left behind. 

The one you said would always belong to me. 

I hate it sometimes. I contemplated burning it in some kind of sacrificial fashion. 

It doesn't even smell like you. 

It's torn and dirty.

I suppose I hold on to it in hopes that one day.. we could co-own it. 

Stupid. I know. 

I lie. Because truly; I love that blanket almost as if it were you. 

Hoping you could do no harm.. I gave you my heart. 

With my arms around you, I heard you promise you would never hurt me. 

Instead... I hurt you. 

But time gave us another chance. 

This time.. . 

I gave you my heart, unafraid. 

This time...

You hurt me. 

I hear myself begging..

Please wait... just stay. 

I hear no echo as there is no reply.
I crawl with vacant eyes.

The remaining pain feels like a bandage that's been taped to my arm for too long...
...almost better to leave in place then to rip off as it clings to the skin beneath the adhesive.

I know that if I rip it from the wound, new skin will heal in place..
.. but I don't.
That's all..
I just... don't.

The days keep coming and I still crawl.
I feel worse at times.. as if time is increasing the pain rather than repairing all that I've lost.

I've lost you.
I did this.
You did this.
We... did this. 

I wish you wouldnt have changed your mind.
Why must we always change our minds?

Yesterday I decided I'd never regret you.
Today.. Its my turn to change my mind.
Today I hate you again.
Today I love you... enough to hate you.
Today I feel broken just like every day.

Today I wonder if this will ever end..

So with this.. I still hang on.. pleading for more..saying,

You know where I am.

Once again......

I pick one one foot up just to place it down upon a thorn.

The hole left behind is more painful then the pain of the prick.

Is it possible to be lost... again? 

As if I was the wick of an evening candle, let out on a windy day; my glowing flame was distinguished. Unable to re-light through the tumultuous storm.

In a new world I still find myself as the Shadow in a corner void of light.

A fly on the wall watching the movements of those in front of me,memorizing their conversations to pass the time, hiding from being involved.

Today the sun beats down hot against my already sun-kissed face. Country music serenades my soul and the smell of ribs basking in Teriyaki sauce is carried on the wind. Tantalizing my taste buds.

Details of what should have been the perfect barbecue, but i sit miserable in my glorious Hawaiian surroundings. Letting the absence of you ruin opportunity.

The day tarries on as I receive bad news.

I take off, running against the humid pavement.

Finding myself in the center of a baseball field I crouch to the ground and cry, relinquishing all because I don't know how else to channel the emotions.

I feel like I hate, because I'm trapped in a land I do not understand.

I feel the need to run because I hate this current life.

I sit on the moist earth, basking in my own thoughts. Pondering within because I don't want anyone to hear me out loud.

Suddenly there are running steps brushing through wet grass behind me and someone grabs my shoulders quickly before sitting in a place to my left.

"Hold your head high."

He begs me not to cry. Tells me I'm better than this. I'm asked to remember to keep moving forward. He tells me to never hang my head in sorrow; that I've done more than enough and now it's his turn to carry.

Once again, I cry because I don't know how else to channel my emotions.

I'm lost. I'm trapped in this void of not knowing where to push forward to. I'm sick of trying. I just want to get there already.

I am sick and tired.. of being sick and tired.

but today's a new day.. and through the sorrowful tears and painful bruises.. I'm coerced to face the dawn, stepping out onto a new patch.. hoping to skip the obstacles.