Licorice and pre-empted candy bars

It's not cool when you're working graveyard shift all alone at a truck stop that no one comes in to and you begin to choke.. really choke.. on a licorice chunk you swallow whole. 

It's also not cool when the water to save you from choking, that's only 5 feet away, is far enough away that your sure you'll run out of air before you get there. 

And it's far too easy to find situations exaggerated when your alone. 

Even still. I could die here in this little truck stop at 3 am and no one would know. 

Eery. 

I ate a candy bar. Meagan's going to kill me. 

Let me re-phrase that.. I have decided to eat a candy bar.. but have yet to consume it.

Meagan's going to kill me. 

O' and the licorice I already consumed. :/ p.s. Merg.. i only had one! 

This truly is a useless blog... im just procrastinating any clean up. 

Grr.. err... sleeeepp.. 

Goodbye Malice

I'd like to say something to all of you. Though you have no idea who you are. And I have no intent to point it out. Only to point out points so i can let it go.. and be done. Because after all.. writing is my release, and as part of 'moving on'.. i have to get these off my chest. And no.. i don't want to "talk about it".

------------

You didn't have to lie. I liked you just the way you were. And I respected the fact that I thought you were honest. You've lost that.

You should have said "Id still like to get to know you." rather than kiss me in the fashion you did and than say so long because I'm moving.

 I wanted you to 'hear' me, not just listen. 

 I wish you would believe me when I say I miss you and stop hating me for trying to be a friend.

If bitter faded, I wouldn't know you anyhow. But even still, I miss whoever it was I once knew.

You cheated on her with both of us, and cheated on us with her, and lied to the three of us. Calling me the 'puppy at your heels' was a cowards way of becoming the victim. 

 I had every good intention, you overlooked them all.

I hate too many things you've done to even count. but I'm tired of hating.

 If you could drop assumptions and just see how much love I carry for you, our relationship would change in an instant.

 I wish that It would have been easier to have given myself permission to care for you.. but sometimes you can't change who you don't love. 

The choice you made was wrong, and you will always know that.

 When you used the phrase "prime candidate" i should of ran. I sank both our ships, taking our turns at forcing them down, but you made sure they stayed at the bottom.

I still don't know If i should be hurt by when you said i was too fat for you to care for, or if i should be grateful because it made me change.

 I sometimes wish my religion wasn't important enough to me to keep us apart.

I wish you'd grow up and be someone she deserves

I wish she didn't choose you. But I'm grateful she did.

I want you out of my head. Your opinion still plagues me. 

 Seeing you happy makes me realize i was wrong. this isn't hateful.. it's an apology. 

You knew every wound yet you kept pressing. you knew how i felt and you still made it worse. I shouldn't- but i wish karma bites you in the butt.

You wanted me to see you.. yet you didn't stop the cruel emails long enough to see what you were doing, let alone to see me. for you, I don't wish Karma. I wish Happiness.. because you need it. 

Your every word I can come up with for taking me out because you thought i'd give more. And ignoring me afterward because you didn't get the brunt of what you wanted makes me sick to know I even got in your car. 

You didn't even give us a fighting chance before you set it up for failure and decided against me. You could have been honest, but instead you fiddled with truth and trifled with lies and than used it against me in the picture of you and her. I'm regretful for how I felt and how long I keep feeling it. 

I ache when I hear your name.

Just get married so we can be done.

I wish you hadn't cried, because of it, I still wonder.

 For all the malice and hate that has become attached to me through these people and the hurt you've caused that I've held on to... I leave it behind. I leave you all behind.

Goodbye. 

A life of pain... a heartfelt try

I have this one regret. Something I shouldn't hold on to, but i do.

I have unforgettable moments swimming laps through my mind that despite how hard I try, I can't forget. 

I have kisses lingering on my lips, some so sweet I can almost still feel them, and others so bitter I hate that they still hang there. 

I'm hurt by no one but myself. I'm saddened by the very fact that no one believes that. 

I want everything I can't have. I want someones that don't want me.. and the wants are whats killing me.

I'm literally being torn apart by a stomach rejecting everything inside. Brutal pain that on a daily basis I try to hide. 

I'm in constant reflection. Constant self negotiation. fervent introspection. 

And what i've come up with..... 

You gotta move on. 

I think im coming into some understanding of that phrase. And to everyone and anyone who's ever said it to.. no matter your own definition.. I should have taken the time to find my own sight of what that meant before i bit your head off. I apologize. Because you were all right. 

moving on is not about taking your past and dumping it somewhere you never have to visit again. 

It's not about looking back at the wrongs, the rights and all the missteps and deleting them. 

moving on does not entail removing from your life or even feeling a different way about someone. 

It doesn't mean you can't mourn. It doesn't mean you can't still get angry. And it doesn't mean you forget. 

It's a paradigm shift. It's a decision you never made before. it's saying screw you, when before you couldn't find the words. 

moving on is picking up your feet from where they've been planted for however long, and beginning again to take a step. 

It's not about having a direction or even picking a direction. But it's about that moment your eye lids first open in morning and you get to decide how to cope with the day. 

Today I chose to see, something i didn't see. 

Today I'm choosing to move on. Not leave behind. 

In moving on I realize what I love, what i did love and what and who did love me. And at the very same time, in the very same seconds, I see what I didnt and shouldnt have loved, who didnt and shouldnt have loved me, and with all that information, suddenly I know better. 

You didn't wrong me for not loving me... you wronged me in the words you said and the actions you chose when you knew you didn't and knew i did. For that I mourned.. but I'm starting to see that maybe Its ok to be angry. It's ok for a little while to find a malice towards the way it happened and wish you hadn't done such.. that I hadn't put the situation in context enough, to do such. 

And with that... I'm finding that what i deserve, and what I should have received are two very different things. 

if im being utterly honest with what my heart is definitely feeling.. I still wish you'd come around.. i still wish that you'll see me.. miss me.. want me.. 

And my heart still says it will want you. 

Although... with today.. with my 'coping' today... Everything points to the fact that I deserve someone different. someone new. something different and new. 

It's not that your not worth it.. because you are. 

It's not that I don't love you.. because I do. 

But its because somethings are more beautiful at a distance.

In actuality, I love you from afar because up close you don't want me.. yet at a distance.. you can't see me. 

In actuality, the others want me up close.. but from a distance.. i am invisible and they to inept to see. 

I shouldn't have to say such anymore. I shouldn't have to blog my sorrows in a way that doesn't even make sense all because my heart is broken.. and I don't know how to repair it. 

I don't deserve the friendships that accuse me, or the hurt of a friend who hasn't looked long enough to understand me. And yet I let those people into my life... I let them into my heart.. I choose to let them see what i choose to let them see... I choose the disillusions or the honesty. 

Am I the very reason for all of this?

Yes. 

And for that reason alone... 

I will move on. I am moving on. 

To re-instate what this includes.. let me heed no caution to the humorless wind, or any care to the onlooking readers... "to your own self be true"... 

I do not forget you Bobby. I do not end my feelings for you. I do not mask them. I am choosing to take your answer and none other. I will live tomorrow as though I am not loved by you, and therefore, we will live two different lives where I am me, alone, and you are you, alone. I choose to no longer to waste a tear on your choice. Simply that.

Tonight: I hated for 5 seconds. and after 5 seconds i got bitter. and after 10 seconds everything else came back. and after I turned a single hate onto a multitude of hate.. I realized you wanted me up close.. but from far away you'd rather not try. Goodbye Eric. 

 Oregon. I was coming to you for so many reasons. Too many complicated ones and one simple one. 

Home. 

After yesterday, that is the lone reason. School is an option.. the complications is an option. But Home is why. and I will leave it at that. Because despite what every complication and desire inside of myself is saying.. that is the only and true reason I am coming to you. 

Family. I Love you. but I WILL leave you. I will follow every dream and take up every opportunity that comes my way. I will bask in ambition and feel as passionately about tomorrow as I do today. 

With that said... you can hate me for leaving again and again.. i know it's tempting. and it's deserving. But it's time you know that the dreams inside of me are tired of lying dormant and I have to do something with them, or I will cease to exist. 

 Self. From this point on, I decide to float above what my opinion tells me. I'm not saying my opinion changed.. im saying that my self image is in anyway transformed. but I'm moving on from all the self mutilating perceptions of  my image i hold.
Which means... I'm trying.

This probably doesn't make sense to the reader... my typing isn't quick enough to keep up with my thoughts.

But just so you all know... I'm moving on. Im going to wake up tomorrow and decide to choose something new.. a different way of feeling. 

I am going to fight every single second i see myself in the mirror to not say tragic things about myself. 

I'm going to lift my hands from the keyboard when my broken heart thinks of him. 

Tomorrow will be hard.. the next day will be hard... but you gotta move on... you gotta keep walking.. you gotta whisper to yourself all day.. every excruciating day that you 'can' and you 'will' and someday it will change. 

Because I can't live like this anymore... I can't feel like this anymore... and I can't just pretend to feel something else. 

San Fran with the Bro

A gate of wonder......

Foggy and disoriented

Lurring and alluring

Chasing patterns that avoid dancing

circling shadows amongst 

vague and dark illusions 

between the done and during

enduring all that doesnt matter

wishing that what does wasn't tattered

battered and twisted along a winding road

searching for a hope these hands will never hold

Climb this rope to reach the top

if i had any sense I'd know when to stop

were broken and missing

pieces amongst a collection of the very same

searching for a chill on the wind

waiting for the whisper that calls my name

I'll go and never ask for return

if forgotten, remember that once upon a time

when our hearts beat a pattern,

a rythmic rhyme

signaling the corners of space and time

a beautiful web with you and I intertwined

yesterday hurts and tomorrow waits

grabbing at a tide that comes to knock at my gate. 

Jace & One Heartbeat at a time

Dearest John John, This post is for you.

And Jace Burgess, You're going to check this blog again in a day or two, because as you stated before, I'm naive enough to write about you, and your vain enough to check if I did- and because for some reason, after 4 years, a marriage, and your blissful life, you still feel the need to stick your nose into mine and shout out my every character flaw through your scorn for me. And when you do, and you read this post. I hope you know that your words are more deceptive to your own product of life, than they are to me. This post will not be happy, I will probably re-iterate all the pain and crap I hate about my life that you so clearly stated bores you. And I will point out select statements in your cruel comments that are justified to no means. Why? Because what you said DOES have an effect on me. In what way? I pity the fact that you are somehow still caught up in your childish lack of maturity to realize that what came between us was a stolen kiss, an honest story and your unforgiving heart. 

What I write is what I feel. There is no shame in honesty. And I've never been dishonest with you. Ever. 

I never asked you to read my posts. You do that yourself. 

To feel is to be human. "to error is human". 

Advice and sincere opinion crosses a line when it becomes bitter, hateful, resentful and cruel. 

You were my best friend once. You never saw me as such.. which is ok- because you are obviously 'happy' in your life. 

Please push your keyboard aside, and leave me to my ways of figuring out life.. this is a record of my trials, my errors, my missteps and my strengths. Nothing less and nothing more. 

No one needs to be pushed off the ladder before the lights are hung. 

With that said....

Yes, I AM angry with you. FYI, I didn't shed one tear for your miserable words. Rather they enraged me, fueled me with an energy that wanted to bust through a cement wall with bloody hands. 

And dang that feels good.

I'm going to hate you for tonight, and than tomorrow I'm going to forget your name, just as I have the last 4 years, with the few exceptions of your resentful 'pop ups' to my blog. 

Now, don't go patting yourself on the back. Because my rage is neither because what you said infuriated me, or that you were right in any way. But rather that the person you have become has squandered any virtually good qualities that you held when I knew you. 

But than again, I just found out that being my friend was a farce all that time; and that the real Jace was really just as terrible a 'user' as anyone else I've shared my life with.

For that, I am angry. 

I'm not sorry I chose to love you and respect you in a way you never came and never will come to understand, im just sorry I couldn't see through your facade.

Wipe me from your life, quit reading about the one girl you "drove a bullet bike(the least comfortable mode of transportation) 2,000 miles (wearing an armored jacket and helmet in 106 degree weather) to see.." 

And be the someone you've come to be, with your wife alone. 

"Move on." and "Grow up."

-------------

John John, 

I figured it out. The key to being happy. 

Drink as many beers as possible and lose as much money as you can by gambling. 

Or at least, that's what i'm told is the 'better' way to mourn rather than crying or 'holding on' to someone.

I'm told that there are 7 billion people in the world.. did you know that? and that we should "do the math."

???

Does that mean that 7 billion people are experiencing hardships as well, and because there are more 'others' than single you and I, that our troubles are trivial?

I guess so. 

I also learned today that when your preparing to hurt someone, you should apologize first, say what you want in any form of cruelty, and than apologize again with a lack of sincerity.

Guess what?

Screw them. Screw others like them. 

Screw people like Jace.

Screw the entire world. 

Screw the fact that others think we should erase emotion. 

Because Guess what? 

As of this second, there are 6,840,507,000 people on this planet. And I wouldn't doubt that amongst that number, there are thousands of people crying through broken hearts and billions of people just trying to figure out how to take one step at a time. 

Between you and I, were all broken. And every single heartache being experienced in this moment of time on this twisted mess of a planet, knows exactly every pain we are feeling, as they too have felt it. 

In that, we are not alone.

In that, we find comfort. 

We are human. that's just it. And the human condition loves. We love tainted. We love broken. We love bitter and sinful. We love pure and beautifully. We corrupt and we are corrupted. 

We WILL wake up in the morning. We WILL put one foot in front of the other. And with that action alone, we ARE moving on. We ARE building our tomorrows, better. 

I wake up because I know that I'm going to receive your email today. I wake up because Colter is my best friend and Devin chases away my shadows. 

I wake up because my family wakes up. 

I wake up because Peggy understands and Meagan will talk me out of it as we climb to the tippy top.

I wake up because I know that I can write away the pain in my chest and the jumble in my head- dumping it onto a virtual page that will eliminate the sorrows from my heart and head. 

 I wake up, because I choose every morning, to do so. 

Where is the ugly in feeling soo deeply?

We are consumed in sorrow.. yet the gravity of our desire to be pulled out of it, is a depth that will eventually bring us balance and the happiness we seek. 

You wrote about perspective a little while ago.. wondering how to smile and feel good about yourself and others through changing the way you see them all. 

I have one word for that. And I know you'll understand. 

Love.

Elska.

Amour.

Die Liebe. 

However it's translated- it translates, the same. 

The world knows it. 

The world lives it. and lives for it. 

So wake up because I love you. Wake up because someone else loves you. Wake up because maybe today, you'll love yourself or someone else. 

Don't love because they tell you not to, or because they tell you, you should. 

Love is already in you and I. It's sewn into the seams of who we are, because of whom we were created by. 

Need we any other reason to get by?

John, tomorrow let's wake up and 'choose' to change our perspectives. 

And hey.. we'll do it without "Celexa and Xanax"

Drawn beautifully by my incredible friend Chris, proof were not alone.

Shamefully unashamed.....

Tonight my mind is on overload. 

I'm doing my best to sort through this mess. 

.... and I think im getting it. Slowly; yet it's coming together. 

But that blog is for another day. Because Im almost there.. but im not ready. 

I suppose one of the steps of healing is the removal of all denial and finding a way to just be honest with oneself. 

And since this is 'my blog', I can be honest here. 

... I don't have a clue who I am. 

I don't know what I like, what I love or even what I'm good at. 

I've lost it all. 

Not because of Bobby, not because of Lincoln. Not because of family or any kind of hurt within me. 

I've lost it because I let it go. Somewhere along the line I decided that I wasn't worth remembering, let alone fighting for. 

I quit fighting for a reason to survive. 

I quit living for me while I lived so long for them. 

So what is it, in me, that finds a reason to keep ticking. 

What do I believe in. 

And are all those beliefs 'mine'. 

When I look in the mirror I don't see a stranger; I see a face of someone I recognize, but I can't put a name to her; running through routine and a cycle of mundane with no time to sit down and ask.. "what do i do this for?"

I've been running around asleep and apathetic for soo long, that I don't even know what can wake me anymore. 

Faking oneself will do you wrong in the end. 

And when the facade wears off, you can't remember who you were smiling for; them or you?

It'd be nice I think, to see something worth looking at, and feel something inside other than the need for repairs. 

--

I care how many people read this and what your thinking in your heads. I tell myself I don't- but I know I have to, because the thought has crossed my mind too many times for it not to. 

It's saying... if tyler read this he'd be glad he didnt marry me. If Jace read this he'd probably be thinking I have some kind of mental illness. Lincoln wouldn't even finish reading, he'd just go on with his day like nothing effects him. 

I turn people into my own enemies through degrading myself in my own eyes. I tell myself they hate me, when really it I, that I hate. 

I'm a coward as I write- making changes to make sure it all fits perfectly in the bubble I wish it to appear. 

But no. 

Not anymore.

Im so tired of all that. 

Im so tired of backtracking just to make sure no one got stepped on. 

Im done with changing my thoughts and re-wording my posts the way my cowardice mind thinks others may accept and still hold me in some likeable regard. 

I care if you like me. But Im going to say that I dont care if you like me anymore. Im tired of caring. I dont want to care anymore. 

Im tired of wondering if Bobby reads this how he would perceive me. because even as I write this.. Im thinking those things. Even as I say what Im saying, I know what he would think and it makes me sick to write it, so i dont. 

Im so worn down. Saying im ok and smiling for others is taking my soul. 

Its sucking what little light I had left, out of me.

Bobby, I want you to be in every thread of my life. I know I should have walked away that day in pioneer square with a new found desire to erase you from my life and start a new tomorrow. But the reality of it is, that I didn't. So many times before I have apologized for holding on and still loving you. But I won't apologize any more. Loving deeply is not something I should be sorry for, or ashamed of. I know that now. 

You don't love me. I know that too. 

But I still love you today as I did that day. And for now, I don't want that to change. So today marks a new day. Because I will now miss you and mourn you unashamedly.

No more feeling guilty and pathetic as the little girl who pines after a boy who has shut her down countless times. 

No more apologizing for holding on too tight and not laying your memory to rest. 

For heavan sakes I loved you. And I do love you. 

If there is fault in that, believe me, I found it before. 

From now on, I'm giving myself permission to just be in love. I feel a certain way, and that is ok. 

It really is, ok. 

And if its not... you could send me an email and tell me to shut down my blog. 

:p

Elska

My Own Personal Friday Nuke

In reply to your e-mail John John..... 

.... I do feel that way. Often. 

Because today, I too wanted to run away. 

I wanted to get my car and drive until it couldn't drive any more; and than I would walk until my feet couldn't take anymore walking. 

I wanted to disappear today. I wanted to forget about my reality and allow that reality to forget about me. 

Why do I have to care about what my family would think or how it would hurt them? 

Why can't I join the careless and heartless and just flee where I can never be found?

Some days I feel strong, and others... others I hide myself in the front row of a dark theater where no one can see my face, and I cry every blasted tear that I've been stuffing inside. ... like today.

Here are my honest emotions of the day..... 

I hate Lincoln for having a girlfriend the past month that he's "ready" for, when his excuse for breaking it off with me was not being ready in the first place. 

I hate Bobby for kissing me to see if he felt fireworks and when he didn't, leaving me behind with the ones I 'did' feel. 

I'm angry that Brent is getting married next week. That I'm not able to show off a ring of my own.

I'm mad at Bobby for making me go back into the dating world... the cruel one in which I don't belong. 

I'm tired of hearing how perfect my brothers marriage is and how troubled my sisters is, when I can't relate to either side.

I'm dieing inside that my little sister is pregnant when our entire lives we made plans to walk this side of life together. It's tainting my excitement... because I'm soo caught up in my own agony rumbling around inside my gut.

I feel left behind when my best friend just had her second baby.

I'm hurt that my sister in law is twisting my pain into something else. That she can't see the pain in my eyes is nothing in retaliation to her and my brother but rather my own self loathing and loss.

I hate having to remind people. I hate having to justify myself. I hate hearing 'get over it' and 'let it go'. "You deserve more." and " his loss."

I want to yell DONT YOU KNOW THAT I KNOW BEING REJECTED MEANS THEY DONT WANT YOU!! DONT YOU KNOW I GET IT! DONT YOU KNOW I KNOW THEY DONT LOVE ME!

None of that makes it easier. 

In fact, it makes it worse. 

You have your loves, you have your husbands and your wives,Your girlfriends, boyfriends and fiance's, your babies and your business plans. 

But I don't.

Quit pointing out what I have. I've had all that my whole life... It's what I don't have that I need.. that I'm missing.. that im hurting for. It's what I don't have that I'm watching everyone else get.

That is why im hurting. I'm hurting because I would have said Yes. I would wear his ring. I would take his name. 

Not only that but He didnt want me. he DIDNT want ME. and neither did he.... or him.. or him.. or him.. 

Im a bucket of refusals. A tainted heart of one hurt after another. 

So Kamie, Look at me and see that NO- I AM NOT ANGRY WITH YOU. or Brandon.. When i say that I mean that. No amount of letters you send me about sharing my feelings or expressing my anger is going to get any further results. Im not angry with you, or anyone else for that matter. But myself. 

I knew it would end this way.. I knew Id say I love you and not receive the same reply- but i took that 20 seconds of courage and said it anyway.. and when what I knew would happen did... just because I knew it would.. didnt mean i was prepared. didnt mean i was ready. didnt mean it hurt any less. 

If anything, be angry with me- because I know my hurt is effecting everyone around me. again. I know Im shutting you all out, that my friendships are crap. that I cant keep a friend to save my life. That I forget important dates and cancel the ones Id rather not go to. I know im no fun. 

But please... Ive never been allowed to hurt.. to mourn. Let me mourn. PLEASE let me mourn. 

One more thing.. 

I know to find love, I must quit searching for it. And I know I must love myself and find confidence before someone can and will love me. 

I hear it every day. I believe it.. i know it. 

But If I hear it one more time.. I just may really Run away.

I know this blog went totally off the initial subject.... but today I feel like a nuke with seconds left on my clock. 

Today I need to explode.. and i dont know how. 

The Daily Picture Post

So i've been taking a picture, every day, for a while now. 

Why you ask? 

I have no flippin clue. lol

Other than, its fun.

I can't remember how long... maybe a month? month 1/2?... 2 months? I guess we'll see how many pictures there are. 

And i am posting it for no other reason than I find it funny.. that I actually took a pic every day. And for no other reason than I know my step mother aka best friend, and Meagan will find it hilariously nerdy of me. 

Here you can see how many times I wore the same outfit.. how many times I did my hair the exact same way.. how many poses I actually 'dont' have.. and how many of the same places I used for my daily picture. lol

Should i even say enjoy? :p

( p.s. there not in very good order )

If I counted correctly... that was 56 days. The last one ending on Today. =O

Ive never stuck with anything in life for soo long as that. lol. jk