Shamefully unashamed.....

Tonight my mind is on overload. 

I'm doing my best to sort through this mess. 

.... and I think im getting it. Slowly; yet it's coming together. 

But that blog is for another day. Because Im almost there.. but im not ready. 

I suppose one of the steps of healing is the removal of all denial and finding a way to just be honest with oneself. 

And since this is 'my blog', I can be honest here. 

... I don't have a clue who I am. 

I don't know what I like, what I love or even what I'm good at. 

I've lost it all. 

Not because of Bobby, not because of Lincoln. Not because of family or any kind of hurt within me. 

I've lost it because I let it go. Somewhere along the line I decided that I wasn't worth remembering, let alone fighting for. 

I quit fighting for a reason to survive. 

I quit living for me while I lived so long for them. 

So what is it, in me, that finds a reason to keep ticking. 

What do I believe in. 

And are all those beliefs 'mine'. 

When I look in the mirror I don't see a stranger; I see a face of someone I recognize, but I can't put a name to her; running through routine and a cycle of mundane with no time to sit down and ask.. "what do i do this for?"

I've been running around asleep and apathetic for soo long, that I don't even know what can wake me anymore. 

Faking oneself will do you wrong in the end. 

And when the facade wears off, you can't remember who you were smiling for; them or you?

It'd be nice I think, to see something worth looking at, and feel something inside other than the need for repairs. 

--

I care how many people read this and what your thinking in your heads. I tell myself I don't- but I know I have to, because the thought has crossed my mind too many times for it not to. 

It's saying... if tyler read this he'd be glad he didnt marry me. If Jace read this he'd probably be thinking I have some kind of mental illness. Lincoln wouldn't even finish reading, he'd just go on with his day like nothing effects him. 

I turn people into my own enemies through degrading myself in my own eyes. I tell myself they hate me, when really it I, that I hate. 

I'm a coward as I write- making changes to make sure it all fits perfectly in the bubble I wish it to appear. 

But no. 

Not anymore.

Im so tired of all that. 

Im so tired of backtracking just to make sure no one got stepped on. 

Im done with changing my thoughts and re-wording my posts the way my cowardice mind thinks others may accept and still hold me in some likeable regard. 

I care if you like me. But Im going to say that I dont care if you like me anymore. Im tired of caring. I dont want to care anymore. 

Im tired of wondering if Bobby reads this how he would perceive me. because even as I write this.. Im thinking those things. Even as I say what Im saying, I know what he would think and it makes me sick to write it, so i dont. 

Im so worn down. Saying im ok and smiling for others is taking my soul. 

Its sucking what little light I had left, out of me.

Bobby, I want you to be in every thread of my life. I know I should have walked away that day in pioneer square with a new found desire to erase you from my life and start a new tomorrow. But the reality of it is, that I didn't. So many times before I have apologized for holding on and still loving you. But I won't apologize any more. Loving deeply is not something I should be sorry for, or ashamed of. I know that now. 

You don't love me. I know that too. 

But I still love you today as I did that day. And for now, I don't want that to change. So today marks a new day. Because I will now miss you and mourn you unashamedly.

No more feeling guilty and pathetic as the little girl who pines after a boy who has shut her down countless times. 

No more apologizing for holding on too tight and not laying your memory to rest. 

For heavan sakes I loved you. And I do love you. 

If there is fault in that, believe me, I found it before. 

From now on, I'm giving myself permission to just be in love. I feel a certain way, and that is ok. 

It really is, ok. 

And if its not... you could send me an email and tell me to shut down my blog. 

:p

Elska