Maybe I'm worth it......

You've got people catching me in a smile, questioning why?

Bending over backwards trying to catch me in a lie

I began to see a new me when you said I was worth the try. 

Is it just me or are the blues singing a goodbye?

What are you doing with your words?

Blossoming hope in their senseless curves. 

To deserve a second chance, 

you've got to be worth that second glance.

Seven years left a trail of tears,

last year you brought the flood to a close,

remembering that you didn't like that 'I' had chose.

So leave me be,

 let me look into him and find what there is to see. 

 

He's old not new.

Someone from the past that I once knew. 

I remember lots of laughter

going to the beach, taking pictures after.

I can't believe how much you like me, 

As if im finally being noticed for what's inside of me

It's ok if this never flys

It'd be alright if we said goodbye. 

Mostly I want to say

Your a reminder that I'm worth someone choosing to stay.

 

Learning life.....

Maybe one day I can have everything this dwindled heart still has the capacity to dream of. 

Home made wind chimes will hang from every speck of the roof as you browse the isles of my book shop, munching on our ridiculously large signature chocolate chip cookie and than you'll sink into a chair that molds so perfectly to your back side that you swear it must have been made for you; as the steaming cup of hot chocolate in your hand combats the temperature outside and you indulge in the complicated world of Tolstoy's words.

I always knew someone couldn't rescue me... but than i fell in love with you and you did, without me knowing i needed you.  

You rescued me, and without you I can't figure out how to find that feeling again. 

But I know I will never trust in someone rescuing me again. 

I don't want to find myself empty again because as of now I am, and I'm so tired of all the transparent glue i've used to fill the holes.

It's time I rescued myself.

it's time I feel proud about something i can do for me. With me. 

it's time I look into the mirror and see a 'me' worth loving. 

"i refuse to believe all this was just a waste."

Come at me life. Not that I can handle you; but I know I can learn.

-Elska

A need for something.....

Sometimes I feel as if my life is running at full speed ahead of where I stand, watching it.. unsure if I was to attempt to chase it, if it could be caught. 

I don't want to give up on me. I don't want to give up on anything. 

I've been stuck in this cycle of self destruction as I go along hating myself for quitting this and quitting that.

I'm trying to go somewhere.. but it seems all my past decisions are haunting any kind of future i try to make. 

i can't and won't blame anyone but myself, even though at times I only saw myself as the door mat.

I'm not really sure where to go from here. I don't know how to take my failures and find success. 

I don't know how to keep from caving in. 

but like good ol' Jason Mraz states: I don't want to be someone who walks away so easily. 

I want to stick around and make a difference that I can make. 

So I won't give up. 

It's just going to take some patience.. and trust. Maybe a friend or two that also won't give up. 

Elska

To the Mergy I'm attached to

Sometimes the moments that take our breath away are the simple days and the simple things... 

Like spending too much  money on a tiny trip, falling asleep on a cold clouded day just to wake up to what feels like a first degree burn. Sleeping in your car just to say you did. drinking a dozen monsters so you don't kill your favorite passenger. Liking the same guy and sharing a hate for the other. Wishing life was a show tune and road trips where you loose your voice from singing so horribly off tune and so terribly loud. 

My best friend knows me. 

She sticks by me through thick and thin, even when i find her being my personal bully. 

Meagan is me. Meagan is her. And that is why i love her. 

She see's me because she is like me. Yet she is so different she is able to see that faults I need to change or the attitudes i need to adjust. 

I'm sorry for nit-picking the little things lately. 

I'm sorry I've been intolerably depressed and at times have left you to fend with your own pain. 

I find its harder to deal with you and your suffering when I can't deal with my own. 

Though when I shut up and listen, and you shut up and listen.. i think we can both agree that we realize we are in the same boat.. paddling just as hard to get somewhere.. anywhere.. 

Wouldn't it be easier to stay afloat and make it to a destination if we were to share the rowing?

I know I teeter between to do and where to go. because we ARE on a different plain of life even if neither you or I want to admit it. 

Although, I can't stay afloat without you. We've been through too much and seen too much together to just split so abruptly. 

So I follow you, you follow me.. and we stay intact, if even a little. 

If only you knew how much I love you Meagan. 

You would never doubt it. 

xo

-Elska

Clouds......

This entire blog of mine, does not depict who I am. Rather my posts are an image of select moods I project.
I think the world is bigger and brighter than any of us realize.
I think life is more beautiful than any of us can truly live.
I think love is meant to be an action, that the world twists into a view.

I am one step behind everything I wish I could catch up to.
And what I feel, scares me down to my own breath.

If I had one wish it would be to share me, with you; so that in turn you would share the real you, with me.

I'm dancing one hundred feet above all I fear and i feel time freeze in the motion of my spin.
I can taste rainbows in the clouds from this high up.
My arms can't catch the clouds but my spirit laughs with the notion.
I am light and no weight pulls me back to the earth.
I can elude the threat of gravity when I'm this free.
I can't do any wrong from where I dance.
The earth seems to watch me, and I do not shy from its eyes.

I cannot see the path between so many trees, but I can catch a glimpse of the right direction, and its a beautiful bumpy trail even from the top.
I know I have to come down.
I also know that coming down I could land someplace different, someplace new.
Whether it be by accident or an accidental purpose..  the beauty of my time in the clouds with the view my direction is still fresh in my minds eye and I know that I will make it there... that I can make it there.

So wait, those times, these times, please stay. I can only find you with you.

A me I can't hide......

Inside the head and heart of me... this is what I look like.......

.........I want a wrist tattoo. And a small heart somewhere on my rib cage. 

I want to kiss a stranger on my own terms and not feel the sting of rejection from someone else for a change.

I want to run naked and carefree down every road in town and have no qualms with the peeping toms. 

I want to scream inaudible words into the loudest microphone and go hoarse for days from the damage it caused to my vocal chords. 

I want to sing without feeling embarrassed. 

I want to dance without feeling judged. 

I want to spin and feel beautiful. 

I want to believe in beauty. 

I want to hear of love rather than hear of it's end. 

I want to feel hope for all my hopelessness. 

I want to have a story to tell and quit disappointing everyone.

I want to feel like im doing something good with my life. 

I want to quit thinking about 'my life' and live someone elses for a change. 

I want to hear a song and not relate it to my life.

I want to be good at something and feel talented.

I want to never tell anyone that I love them again, and take away every 'chance' ungiven.

I want to delete facebook, email, all social networking and remove any trace of me on the world wide web. 

I want to run away tonight and forget about what my family, my boss, or myself, would think. 

I want to quit thinking about where i would go.. what i would do. 

I want to belong to someone, to live for someone, to love someone. 

I want to sit in the bathtub for the rest of my living days. 

I want to read Jane Austin until I die and never have another book discussion for as long as i live. 

I want to open my own bookshop.. call it "Story Book Cottage" and make it the coziest little place you will ever reside. 

I want to sink into a leather couch so deep that no one will ever find me. 

I want to quit my job.

I want to lay in bed. 

I want to sleep in and go to bed early. 

I want to eat yogurt, drink milk, have an orange and indulge in chocolate without feeling like death.

I want to allow myself to care for someone. 

I want to open up to someone

I want to take a tub, leave my hair down, and forget about makeup and clothing for however long I desire not to care. 

I want to be me in front of everyone.. without anyone. 

 

Pioneer memories......

What is on my mind tonight....

I'm standing in the rain, trying to make sense of all the words I've taken in. The stories I've just heard. 

I shake off my soaking hair and find temporary cover under that leaky porch roof; settling my self against a wet table, as I turn my every attentions to you for the next couple of hours. 

You are unspeakably in person, the perfect combination of everything I thought i knew about you and everything you are.

..

"I can't see you" you say.. and than suddenly there you are... walking towards me across pioneer square as if we had never said goodbye; as if years had not past us... My imagination doesn't have to sprout wings, because at this point you are standing in front of me and I'm taking you in, breathing you in.

Face to face, i see you. 

I fall for you. In that moment I love you. Again and again I do. And i know that again and again.. i will. 

All this rain makes emotions ignite. The moment feels like a movie reel in the making and you say it as I think it. 

We are on the same page and I know you see me as much as I see you. 

................But than that burning light inside of me goes dark and the sun no longer comes out to play. 

..........

I know I said I wouldn't write about him anymore. I know I say allot of things that I never keep. 

.....I needed to. 

"Somebody's got to be first, to say their falling in love"  

.....and I will never be sorry I did. 

 

the elusion of what never lasts......

Sometimes, Maybe being shallow is easier. If that's what this is.
I don't have a 'type' anymore.
I just want someone I love, to love me. 

I want him to love getting popcorn and drinks at the theater and not tease me when I eat all the sweets myself.

Is it too much to ask that he remembers I have a cold and not take me out into the chilly air without bundling me first? I want tea times, and late night movies when were supposed to be at work too early in the morning. I want you to laugh at my hate of ironing and just do it yourself- but let me do your laundry because its all I've been waiting for. I don't want to feel quilty when I dream of you.. and yes, I want to have sex as many times as we possibly can, just because we love each other.. and we can.

I'm feeling lonely and nostalgic...
I'm canceling and planning at the same time..
these days are days I hate.. are days I end up regretting.
Everyone is wearing a ring...getting a ring.... 
or getting rid of an old one and on their way to a new one.
Everyone is starting families... or growing the one they have.


...maybe not everyone... it just seems like... everyone.

O' love. Why must you elude me?

uh huh......

I can't write songs. I can't write poems. But I try anyways.... 

--------------

 

Can't help that feeling that I'm getting

You look at me and i'm already loseing

hurting for a reason to look away

but those amazing blue eyes

 wont let me say goodbye

Im tripping again, 

Stumbling as my feet start out running

Im falling again

When everything inside me screams

"No, dont do it!"

You make me forget I've ever been through it. 

You smile and I catch it on the air

wrinkles in your cheeks prove you mean it

Your too young, Im too old,

Im too shy, your too bold,

I don't want to regret

I'm struggling to forget

I'm loseing again

But Im begging to win

I stumble but im trying to run

Im falling again

While everything inside me crys

Go ahead and do it again. 

 

 

A thousand jumbled thoughts......

( this is NOT meant to rhyme- even when it does- Just a jumble of my thousand thoughts)


I told him that I didn't care and suddenly he let me in.
I said that life could stay the same, but I know how to catch my lies.
I find that life is hard, and love, it just doesn't exist.
But why am I any different than those that feel the same?
My ears are filled with screaming, and suddenly I belong.
I feel it all earasing, searching earnestly for a new home.
No longer trapped inside me, though give me that mic, I want to grab it and just be allowed-
-to sing through screams.
No one knows, and so i hide.
I feel no need to show anyone in this world whats inside.
I wouldn't take back torture, only because its attached to you
but if it could of come without pain, regret wouldn't accompany your name.
Seared into me permanently, because I wish for you to always remain.
I'll etch a date that brought only me, a loneliness upon my plate.
With November, I'll remember.
I left you there, you forced me here, and life continues without a knowing of before.
If Im not home, im not hurting.
No need to hide, or force smiles through a facade ive learned to cater to.
Through fear, im not so sure.
I slip and no one catches me, but if they did would i remain hateful towards this damsel crying distress?
It's true, I hate the image in the mirror, but I know someone, somewhere, can love me before confidence finds me.
I wonder if were one in the same, but yet I place myself so far away on purpose.
If you looked what would you see.. would you even recognize me?

Break through......

Dear you, Dear self, Dear me,
I found myself hiding in the bathroom.
I couldn't pull my body from the tight ball it had curled into.
My eyes poured tears i haven't seen or felt in far too long.
To be honest... I cant even remember the last time I cried.
And this time, once it had started, I couldn't get it to stop.

The feeling was refreshing. I felt human again for awhile, I felt more than just pain; and more importantly, I felt something more than just 'numb'.

I wasn't sure how to handle myself. I wasn't sure what to do, or even how to decipher what I was feeling... why i was crying. So i just let it happen.
I hugged my knees in utter agony and felt every tear slide down my face, i felt the burn on my cheeks as they multiplied in their numbers and fell rapidly as if in a race to fall off the end of my face and hit the floor.

My chest pumped in pain. I felt my soul rip in two, and my spirit screaming to be let loose. Every part of me hurt. Every part in pain.
I couldn't move; finding my body incapable of movement, immobile, and paralyzed with its turmoil.
Its been so long since it ached... so long.
What could I do if i didn't know what I was even feeling?

Did Bobby get to me? Did memories? Did stupid facebook, or someones lovey dovey post?
Or is all this really me? coming from no one else.. but me.
I dont know how i see things anymore... I dont know how or what to feel.
But I guess it's a break through that I'm able to.

 ♥Elska

Yellin at the worlds of you

Don't think I miss the way you look at me

Because I can see it all

I can see the way you scrutinize

waiting for the trip that will make me fall. 

I can hear the words you speak in the wind

behind me making show of the undone sin. 

In your head, im losing a very fair game

but in me, you and I are the very same

We both can't win. 

I'll mark myself where you can't see

and you can Go ahead and call me out 

on what you wish I wouldnt be.

......

With my eyes closed, I can almost see tomorrow.
I won't think of you, nor will I look to any of them
But with every ounce of my sorrow, I'll find a happiness to borrow.

 

I need a vice, or a virtue

Something to hold onto, 

Something to honor. 

A shadow holds to tight

I've lost all of heavens light

Taking place of what once was red, 

a stone of black, a charred mess engraved in my very own chest

Should i be hoping to progess, or just bask in my digress?

 

"Help me" You scream, 

I'm pinching, unable to wake from this dream

threatening passions stealing my heart

feeling something, somewhere, must be a start

a wish that I can, instead of can't

I'm cycling backward, not forward, 

scared of regression, stuck in my own recession. 

 

Give me the mic, i no longer lend my voice

rather let me scream in the disaster of my own choice. 

 

 

...

 

♥Elska