I will prevail!

With personal vitality my writing is coming along demanding late night hours and rigorous introspection that leaves me drained and seeking some type of human interaction to follow. Who knew weaving fiction within your own story would bring you back, as if reliving the essence of that exact moment.
In the experience of re-living, as i type, my heart is broken a second time, i am cheated a second time, stood up... for the hundredth time, rejected repeatedly, left again, broken, destroyed..
Although-As painful as writing about loss is, this has been and will be, my healing.

It's a much different course this time. And this time- "I" will prevail.

( I just had to write a blog. lol )

Find me Fortitude......

As everyone, I long to be someone to somebody, I yearn for a hero who will clear my distress'. I want to feel lovely and be lovely to one amazing man who will allow me to be his everything. I wish to dote upon one and be sustained in doing so. Vice Versa.

Yet as a twist in my recent story, in my current tale... I feel free to just be whomever and wherever my unmarked trail shall lead me. I am content in knowing i have loved but one, whether one has loved me or not. I admit in my history and current state of dating.. or absence of such, with my constant twitter-pated heart and desire to always be in love i have shown the aptitude of a folly young lady and my fault lies in portraying the very same as a rather intriguing fickle one in relationships. Rather, i hope the true opinion of others and any such suiters is found in my honest character, not an inept assumption .

I do not rant for an unused purpose. I am 'kind of' dating someone. Though the finality of it has not been decided or discussed.
I find delight in the current standing of my life with or without love yet in the corners of my love life mind i sit with questions. Doubts are my barricade and wonder fuels my curiosity. I cannot comprehend my own heart and I ponder the possibilities as any young girl does, of a future and what it may look like. Wrapped in coils of misunderstandings and wrong impressions i led myself and others to believe what we will name a lie. Now, in him being unveiled, i find truth yet i am unsettled in these, in what i cannot decide is honesty or deceit.
Does doubt hold the very essence of the answer i seek?
Most of all i have concluded that a heart is not always to be trusted. In my circumstance i will use my head and bring logic in to my understanding and awareness.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained... right?
I suppose.
Though i find myself agreeable in acknowledging the pain and oft hurt that may come with such a venture in which from time to time has forced me into harsh whispers of prayer for the fortitude i so lack.

As an amazing author once wrote, love 'is' a game. "For as with games, love is rife with strategies. It demands patience and extends- just out of reach- the lure and promise of a winner. As well as a loser."

For now i will dance every dance, feel free and young and delight in being delighted and delightful.

My light......

Last night i was thoroughly engaged in Introspection. What i discovered was my family. At times i feel as though i have failed at everything i have set out to accomplish. Feelings of a lacking life have plagued my thoughts and i cannot seem to escape. Though, My family- they are the one thing in my life i am utterly proud of. Coming through for me without feelings of obligation, you are the light i grasp. I love you.
When i was younger i used to cry when i thought of how long i got to keep them all. Eternity didn't seem long enough and i missed them already. How silly it sounds.
We've suffered hand in hand for as long as i can remember. Trials only letting up for a breath not long enough to catch. Your strength is beyond you, i know our weaknesses and this is not it. Keep lifting family and let God carry us...I cannot be with out you in Eternity.
I am reminded of 'On our own' a movie we watched as younger kids. We made a pact to always save each other. This is the time....not the end.

Jolly Tuesday......

Today my name was Cinderella as i cleaned Meagan's room for what was literally 4 hours.
I decided Kefir milk is delectable. I despise hair in carpet. Vacuuming is going to take another 2 hours.
The smell of dinner makes up to be an unpredictable meal. And ressess chocolate chip cookies are summoning me from the cupboard.
I did laundry today and the smell of dryer sheets and bleach detergent are still penetrating through my senses.
Ive decided to hunt down the line of ancestry for the inventor of down pillows and if it's a male- I will pray for his early resurrection and marry him quickly.
Cold legs are the Devil. I hope my future husband wont mind shaving my legs. Maybe we'll swap. I'll shave his beard. Ugh- hair.
Blue Cd's make me jolly. It'd be fun to see Orange.
Alas- i will carve a pumpkin and leave it at a doorstep!


Just another Glorious Tuesday.

Importance of one......

The world is round, enormous. And i am one soul among many. I am an ant compared to the vast numbers that surround land mass, and waters. That is what the 'world' would like us to think.

But my personal importance makes my one soul, seem incomparable and vastly enormous in its own way- in a way the world or no human being can counteract or belittle.

It's an interesting theology when you come into the understanding that you alone make a difference. When the un-important words and selfish perseverance are turned about into understanding and almost un-comprehendable comprehending of ones self. When the little life you have lived is transformed into something more grand than one eye can see.

I make a difference among one.. among many. I have a role of my own and a closet full of shoes that are being filled with my own importance.

I dont mean this to sound in any way that i am tooting my own horn.. only that i have come to the realization through experience, change and inspirations that I alone do not stand as one tiny ant.

Oh to be lovely. Feels lovely.

Rediculous Loneliness......

I am lonely. I'm not talking about boredom in the moment, but deep unseated loneliness.
My roommates have been home maybe 3 times in the last 4 months, and within those 3 times, i've only seen them for about 5 minutes each.
I sleep in the living room, with the t.v. on, because i don't want to fall asleep alone. I cuddle on the couch with 6 pillows and every light in the house on because i still cant handle the dark on my own. I talk to myself at dinner time so it feels like someones around.

The last 2 weeks i havent slept until roughly 3 am every morning. I wake up to the movie or buzzing television screen i left on before i forced my self to doze. I thought this staying up late and wakeing up late was just due to being worn out in every possible way.. emotinal, physical, mental.. though i recalled today the last time i got this lonely, i remember doing the same thing.
It didnt help that i had a sudden burst of emotional outcry while sign shaking when i saw a group of girls chatting and laughing as they past me.
I've never had that many friends... i've never even had a friend who was a girl.. I need someone to share every confidence in my world with...

So, my dilema is- why in the blazes do i get this way?? I suppose i thrive through human connection and without it... i just can't function.
I believe im finally ready to return home.
Come and rescue me Pa.

Change is Imperative......

The pessimal people in what seems to be such a pessimist world as of late have taken toll on my igniting annoyance and i find myself toiling deeper within my 'stranger watching'. It bothers me to witness a man walk past a woman carrying more bags then her fragile arms should have been entrusted. To hear a poor man beg for money and the passerby whisper to his walking neighbor " He'll only spend it on drugs."
Supporters on the streets bringing hope to children by forcing the unwilling to subscribe only 10$ a month. Are our pocket books so drafty in which we cannot afford such a price for an astonishingly inspiring cause? Must we run from the opportunity to be a living Hero for one child bringing what fills like forced petitioners along every street corner asking, begging, wanting our mutual support.
I watch as another watches that man who dropped his briefcase- I bend to help and see through my eyes the passing of feet not worried about the man and I chasing flying documents and straightening wrinkled and stomped marked white paper, but too stuck in the speed of life and the hassle of there own day by day stress to relinquish someone of their own.
Hell bent on bringing us to repentance we hear witnesses of great faith surrender their stage fright among what may seem to be their well dressed lowly superiors, along the streets as they beg us to come unto Christ, trying desperately to lead us to our bibles and Sunday services. Do we chastise them for there method of preaching, do we scorn them for there microphones and crowd disrupting speakers, are they judged before the multitudes for being of another religion, or do we take a moment to remember our similarities and bless them for their God willing service to mankind no matter how they choose to spread the good word.
Why do rallies for saving planet earth bring an uproar of upsetting contradictory. The world we have occupied for so long is being depleted of its beauty and goodness right before our eyes, why not be brought into submission and join the cause to bring life back into somthing we have taken life from. ? Is there truly sense in fighting against good cause?
Extremists are just that. Eccentric in the extreme. There ideas are puzzling to us, we moderate there life styles , barely tolerate there social behavior and we mock them behind there backs.
But why not take a interest in someone elses interests? Extreme or not- do we not share certain qualties that make us human. Do we not all have hobbies, thoughts, occupations, secrets, familes... in those we can find similarity and share friendship we may have not seen possible. A conversation on ones behalf for the sole pupose of understanding will do wonders for the growth of civility. I promise you. Holding someones hand through a trial of severe or shallow consequence, shaking a hand of nobility or 3rd class standing, smiling across the vast hall only to catch an eye of a sorrowful stranger. Can you not see the impact one soul has on another? Do we no longer understand our role as neighbors? Have we forgotten what it means to be a friend.

Amongst the appalling, there is good. I could write a second blog of the majority of greatness i have witnessed throughout the bitter. Though- Sometimes we need to ponder what we should change.

Theres still Hope for Tomorrow......

Ive been quite weird lately. I can't describe why. I'm having a tough time even pin pointing the reasons. Though i understand my friends have seen the change in my attitude and i apologize.

I suppose its a mixture of things. I do miss my home in Southern Utah, My sister Meagan and I are so close its hard for me to be without her- even one missed phone call transforms me into moody mode. My parents have been going through what we'll call, post divorce. They're desperately trying to work things out now, but for some time it was very unsettling for me to be without my family. For some, you'd rather run than be sitting in the brink of a family uproar- but for me, my family is more than everything to me. They are my best friends and when they hurt- i hurt.

When i went on my 3 week vacation to see my family they were not who i left. Everyone was so different and i found my self hiding away in the bathroom at random times of the day trying to ease my sudden burst of tears, slapping that freshly cried look from my face.
My Brother wouldn't come to picnics if my dad was around, my sister couldn't look him in the eyes, no one wanted to be around my ma because they knew she'd only talk about what we didn't want to hear. There were no common conversations, laughter was strained and rare and i was torn apart finding my self missing the family i left and screaming inside at the family i was coming home to.
I couldn't seem to find any refuge. I tried to stay active- bike ride, hike, walk etc. but the strangers in my best friends wouldn't allow them to function with me. It was like pulling teeth to get any one of them out of there chairs and into the sun.
They were all hiding from a 'good life' yet slowly i found them being sucked into my life. Into what little sunshine i brought back with me.

As hard as it was, and as self righteous as it sounds- i have been the corner stone in my family for a very very long time, and i cannot leave them to the sharks. I was the only reason they would come together- my visit was the only reason for camping and family dinners.

One has told me going home isn't going to help me- that i am only doing this for my family and i need to think of myself. To you i say, In helping my family i am bringing together everything that makes sense in my life. I'm not going home to rescue a lost cause.
I'm going home to be a part of the hope.

My Captivating Soul......

Ive been reading this book Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John Eldredge and Stasi Eldredge.
In doing so i have been brought back through my past leaving so many moments and heartaches to be dug out from there low grave, giving me a chance to truly heal the wounds i thought i had.

It talks about how as a young girl we seek to be beautiful to someone, to our parents, our friends, boys.. etc. We want assurance of our beauty from earthly imperfections and are left scared if we are told otherwise. This craving to feel lovely is extended into adulthood where our relationships are chastised within our own souls if we don't feel that same love and assurance of the beauty we hold within us as Women. Their not talking outward beauty but our inner pretty selves that long to be a princess in a fairytale, a heroine in a roaring bedtime story, the 'Ezer' to the men we love. We long for a knight in shining armor, a man in tattered rags, a farm boy with no fortune.. anything, anyone, we just long to be saved, to be sought for, to be fought for, to be everything to someone, to be told through actions and words that we are.
The excerpt on the back of the book states this:
-----------
"Every woman was once a little girl. And every little girl holds in her heart her most precious dreams. She longs to be swept up into a romance, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, to be the beauty of the story. Those desires are far more than childs play. They are the secret to the feminine heart.
And yet how many women do you know who ever find that life- As the years pass by, the heart of a woman gets pushed aside, wounded, buried, she finds no romance except in novels, no adventure except on television, and she doubts very much that she will ever be the beauty in any tale.
But her heart is still there. Sometimes when she watches a movie, sometimes in the wee hours of the night, her heart begins to speak again. A thirst rises within her to find the life she was meant to life- the life she dreamed of as a little girl. "
----------

It goes on to remind us that all our longings and desires are telling us of the life we were created to Live. That God is the one to rescue us of our pained heart and release us to live as a fully alive woman. a woman who is truly captivating.

This book is so powerful. Going along the same lines as what i previously wrote about two blogs ago- the greatest meaning i found in this book what that no one can decide if i am or if i am not captivating other than God and myself. I bring out who i am- i am the only person who can decide to be what i wish to be.

I'm a good person.. i do know that. I'm beautiful in all the little ways that make me who i am. My Past, Present and Future make the mysteries of my life lovely. I've known who i am for some time now, and i continue along my way knowing what kind of life i am delving into righteously , knowingly and excitingly!

So, not that easy.. but in steps.. I will no longer need your acceptance- thank you, but no thank you. Because 'i am' purely captivating to God.

Surrendered Memories......

I put her memories on the back burner so i won't have to face the onslaught of tears that follow those reminiscent dusty days. I hide pictures so they don't haunt my dreams. I delete old emails as to remove all evidence of the past.

Last weekend after a long day of Pj prancing and an all morning chocolate milk binge, I picked up a book on captivating the womans soul and read with my thoughts only on the words that flowed easily from eye to eye. Suddenly tears exploded from no where and i got up helplessly seeking a distraction from the storm that overtook my relaxing morning read. To no avail i gave in, collapsing on the couch, soaking the once brown pillows with my rain drop sized mascara filled tears.

I never think of her, i have tried my hardest for so long to kick her from my immediate thoughts that i could have almost been proud of the way i had perfected it. When i speak her name its rare, quick and then change of subject, when others speak her name i leave the room. Yet here i was, crying for the sister who i so horridly miss.

My perfection in hiding her memory from my own memories decieved me as the flow of tears threatened to never run out of supply.

I miss her. There- i said it. I hate that she left- and continues to run. I despise the fact that my best friend, my twin in every action, my sister who i never saw a sun ray without abandoned me, abandoned our friendship, abandoned our family. The worst part is.... I blame myself.

There are moments and things that remind me of her, i just pretend they dont. I can't eat popcorn without remembering her addiction to that buttery deliciousness.. i can't use chapstick without taking a quick daydream into the store where we bought package after package just because they looked promising or pretty on the outside. I miss small town panguitch with my silly jealousy of her beauty taking away all the harty accented cowboys.

So i sit alone, pondering now, the life she's living- and i pray she finds happiness.. somewhere... someday.. And just maybe.. maybe, she'll visit me. If even for a split second.

Finding My Own Acceptance......

I do not hide behind a facade, but no more than a peacock hides its feathers do i show mine.

I've had allot of time to delve into what we will call, my inner reflections lately. In doing so i have realized that their is a vulnerability in me i wish for others to see yet i can't seem to pull it from hiding. I'm more reserved than i realized. My greatest friends are only allowed to know bits and pieces of who i am.
Ive come to the conclusion that my timidity may come from my want of acceptance. The fear that leaving nothing unseen may change opinions and i secretly yearn to be reassured by others that i am 'a okay'.
Wow- the sound of this on paper suprises me.

The little things are the ones that make a friendship, that i truly believe...
i make my own jewelry, my favorite animal is a penguin, dancing is my passion... small, but they define me. so why is it that i can't allow someone close to me.

Simple answer... my worst heartache is losing someone. And lost people, i have. lost friendships, i have. Lost family, i have.

I suppose i fear chasing people away... i fear being ugly in the eyes of people i love..... i want my life to be lovely in the eyes of someone other than my wacky self. I want assurance, that there is beauty. I want the beauty i see to be something they see... yet i fear that in another's opinion.. and even in my own. That beauty is no longer something i can find easily as before. I fear my own life.

So- after so much contemplative opposition within my own mind i came to the simple conclusion that I cannot seek refuge in someone else, i cannot beg for acceptance within someone else, i cannot yearn for another's approval, yet it is the approval of myself , 'to myself' that i must work on, that i must reach.

So my friends, in becoming acceptable in my own eyes, I will post more writings on things that are dear and near to me personally. The secret heart of this mystery girl, shall slowly be revealed.
That'll be interesting. :/

It's a whole new Circus.....

Who's in need of a current update into the life of Me..? My journal. :P

There are two guys in my life. My Best friends- Eric and Matt. Theres no end to laughter when im hanging with these two. I didn't know it was possible for a constant ab burn. Aw ha- i was deceived. It's rightfully possible.

I withdrew from school a month ago. Money can be a nagging black hole and if not treated- will fester until it cuts off the limb it hangs on to. My black hole target, my friends- was my schooling. I wasn't lazy as the vast population would state. Rather the contrary. I searched high and low for jobs. Turns out it was a large mis-fortune to let go of my Pasta Pronto Job.
Although- on the lines of finding happiness or disappointment- I'd do it all again. I am not one to stick with something if it's causing me deep unhappiness and/or slight depression. That job- was.
My current job is strangely exciting and utterly amusing. We here at Round table Pizza like to refer to it as Drama Table. If you haven't heard the newest rumor- you are not in the loop and are lacking in you're daily dose of drama. Odd how much my Pizza world reflects such a similarity of a Soap Opera.

The absence of my roommates has allowed me plenty of prancing time in whatever i so choose to wear. or not wear. For posting sake- I am fully dressed. Even when showering.
I have yet to see a single roommate since I've been back from my Utah vacation almost 3 weeks ago.

On a sad note- i heard news today that i am in collections for a bill I have, in their words "slacked" to pay. Funny how i can mention i have no funds to put towards this bill and not even a penny in my pocket and the heavy accent lady on the other end insists that i pay 18$ right now- this instant- to allow my credit to escape from scandalous repetitious credit bureau hands. ( i only wish she said it like that )
Hmm, could of sworn i mentioned.. twice.. that i have not a penny.

On an even worse note- I forgot to save the left over rice from last nights decedent "Tearfi" meal. Too bad- i could of had rice cereal this morning. And i was so craving it... crying shame.

Jace and I are on what one would call 'non-speaking' terms. On his visit, He left the morning after his arrival, on sudden distraught feelings on who and when my first kiss was before i had left for college and made this his decision factor to drop me as a friend. I suppose he decided his life would be much more sustainable if i wasn't in his. I wallow whenever possible, though i try not to base my soul searching lonely days on this lost friendship.
He was my best friend, I'm sad that in our 10 months of friendship I failed to fill enough happy, special memory spots to keep me in the 'uppity friends' category. Though i wont let my tears fall freely when what i held so dearly was clearly not as dear to him. I move on- strong, and make today a better day.

Oregon has become so engraved in my very blood that it would take years of Iv's to remove the bond i feel with this crazy hippie state. Eric and i decided i have contracted Hippieitiss.
Bonded as i am, the time has come for me to spread my wings once more and make way for new roots.
I'm going to be living in Utah once again. Working at a Ranch with the animals i feel most at home with. :P In two months time i will have enough saved- Glory to God- to move out of my lovely abode and enter my own apartment. I'm more excited than Frosty on snow day!

The opportunites to become a nanny accross state are still in my option files. A few more poped up- Wyoming, Michigan, Seattle and Santa Barbra. I haven't made any decision quite yet. I've got some time to dwell on what step i should take next.

Work is in an hour and a half where i will yet again entertain the local children with face painting, puzzles, crayons and urge that 10 year old boy to drop kick our broken candy machine. Nothing new. But every Family night at the Drama Table is a chance for a fresh face and a new hand to shake.

After work tonight i plan to slip into my fat jeans, Overdose on some delicious type of Ice-cream ;) and watch a much needed Girly flick- all to myself. All by Myself.

So many choices leaving God & I to decide......

I have the most incredible opportunity.. several lately.
At the end of September i will leave my home in Oregon, two of my best friends to move home for a short time.
Tomorrow i will be interviewed to be a Nanny in Somers New York from October to December where i would get to be the Nanny for one beautiful little girl and one handsome little boy.
If all goes well- i will take this position and upon returning home in December, i will have enough savings to get my own apartment in Cedar City and hopefully a car.
My good friend Sean has offered me a position working as staff at his Ranch in Hurricane, where i will start in January.
In the summer i will travel- where ever travel may take me.
Walla- God is so great to me... so many obstacles, so many curbs i stumble over, so many mountains i cant climb.. but he never leaves me wondering why i couldn't succeed in my dreams.
I've been given every dream I've pondered, so far.
It's only beginning.
I stinkin love this life.

3 Amigo Week......

This week has been emotional, wonderful, exciting, new....
My mom and pa surprised me at 12:30 in the morning Wednesday. We've spent their time here quite well. :P
here are just a few pictures..









This week has been emotional, wonderful, exciting, new....
My mom and pa surprised me at 12:30 in the morning Wednesday. We've spent their time here quite well. :P
here are just a few pictures..

JODY~

Jody-
I was trying to think of the easiest way to post these pics and have you get the originals.
This seems to be it. so here you are- we meant to make you a mothers day gift with these pictures.. im sorry it took so long to get them to you! Looking at them makes me miss the boys even more! I have a few more from a time we used an entire shampoo bottle for Trey's tub. lol. but i cant seem to find them. i'll keep searching!
though i dont have any pictures of Marcus- he never wanted to camera in his face. lol
Love you!

Another walk

~I made another lovely trip to my favorite spectacular place~
It was 100 and something degrees today. The heat was unbearable! But so amazing! :)

One step at a time....

JACE IS COMING TO SEE ME!!!!!!!!!
My excitement to see one of my very very best friends is one that definitly tips the scales.

I go home for summer break in 40 days! I cannot wait!! Camping- my family- my family!!!



I finally quit my job at Pasta Pronto- the wisest thing to do? eh- probably not. Though i'm still at what 'was' my 2nd job and can grab onto a few extra hours if needed. Im on the hunt for another job- a better job- one that i can possibly enjoy longer than 5 months? .. thats an interesting concept.

My pa and I have started what is being called 'Video Wars' and that gets me through my home sicknesses. I'm having too much fun making a fool of myself just for my family to witness in later videos. Its fantastic.
Guys are still not worth mentioning, or feeling for. So far they've all made it into my Book writing, and FYI- for a handful of them- thats not the friendliest place to be. But dang, what happiness it is for me to write them in there honest elements. Flippin Retards.
Nah-- not bitter at all.

I've taken a 3 week break from school so i can collect my self personally and find a stable/suitable job.

My stocker from school is quite close to driving me to that 'murder' line. If he presses any further I'll have to hire a hit man.

Ive been trying to adopt a kitty, at my 4th attempt and have found nothing but bad luck. Hopefully within the next week i can have a little cuddle kitten! :)

Aww- JACE IS COMING TO VISIT ME!

I had the most fantastic day yesterday. Me and another loner from school hung out all day at my school social picnic. She was sitting alone and so i approached her- told her i was tired of feeling like a loser by myself and thought we could pity eachother for awhile. Now were friends! :D Woot for me!! lol

anyways, life is fantastic- as always.. ive stepped over my hurdles once again.. and on i go!
Love you all!

Ola mi amigo's. I realize that i havent updated you all in some time and i owe a more thorough story on my life here in OR. but until i have the motivation to sit for some time.. this small post must suffice.
A few things- Melanie and I made a day of a ridiculous project due for school yesterday, we had to visit a Bakery and find out crazy information from the Baker- in whom did not even understand what "Viennoiserie" was-and he's the head baker! Pshh that. Sooo disappointing.



I cut bangs two days ago- decided they might give me a different and possibly more mature look.. I was quite wrong. Now i have doomed myself to pinning my bangs up for the next two months or so- until they can grow to a decent length. I just look pure dumb with Bangs. No joke. I've learned my lesson and will not be doing that again. All though the urge to cut my hair to its cute length i had earlier this year has been egging me on daily and i just cant overcome temptation! But i must.. because long hair is so sensual- i must be sexy at some point in life! lol

Aw- and my loneliness set in again today- so i took to taking random pics of myself. :P









































I'm missing My fam.. but im not too homesick knowing im going home in a month to visit.
and im missing Jace- but hes coming soon too! Woot!!

Welp.. thats it. I'll let you all in to my secret Oregon life a bit later. Love you- and Goodnight.