I suppose its a mixture of things. I do miss my home in Southern Utah, My sister Meagan and I are so close its hard for me to be without her- even one missed phone call transforms me into moody mode. My parents have been going through what we'll call, post divorce. They're desperately trying to work things out now, but for some time it was very unsettling for me to be without my family. For some, you'd rather run than be sitting in the brink of a family uproar- but for me, my family is more than everything to me. They are my best friends and when they hurt- i hurt.
When i went on my 3 week vacation to see my family they were not who i left. Everyone was so different and i found my self hiding away in the bathroom at random times of the day trying to ease my sudden burst of tears, slapping that freshly cried look from my face.
My Brother wouldn't come to picnics if my dad was around, my sister couldn't look him in the eyes, no one wanted to be around my ma because they knew she'd only talk about what we didn't want to hear. There were no common conversations, laughter was strained and rare and i was torn apart finding my self missing the family i left and screaming inside at the family i was coming home to.
I couldn't seem to find any refuge. I tried to stay active- bike ride, hike, walk etc. but the strangers in my best friends wouldn't allow them to function with me. It was like pulling teeth to get any one of them out of there chairs and into the sun.
They were all hiding from a 'good life' yet slowly i found them being sucked into my life. Into what little sunshine i brought back with me.
As hard as it was, and as self righteous as it sounds- i have been the corner stone in my family for a very very long time, and i cannot leave them to the sharks. I was the only reason they would come together- my visit was the only reason for camping and family dinners.
One has told me going home isn't going to help me- that i am only doing this for my family and i need to think of myself. To you i say, In helping my family i am bringing together everything that makes sense in my life. I'm not going home to rescue a lost cause.
I'm going home to be a part of the hope.
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