I close my eyes recalling the events of last night. The first image being his eyes, blue as that Easter egg I saved from my nephews basket.
The image freezes as I ponder a second on whether remembering is the best medicine.
"I don't need medicine" I remind myself; "I want to see his face. "
He's squeezing me tightly, rocking back and forth, repeating in my ear "Just a few more minutes. A few more." His lips brush mine softly and the memory brings tears that roll down my cheek bones.
I'm conscious of his hands around my shoulders, reaching across my hips and I remember his cologne; it's making me weak.
The memory is tugged away as a pain in my chest reminds me that was ages ago and last night he was with someone else.
The door swung open and I see what he calls "his girl". My silent impression is cut short as Bj playfully punches my leg asking "You alright?"
"I'm fine." I mutter, faking a smile.
He didn't greet her with a hug or kiss and I find myself smiling inward at that. She half heartedly teases him saying his hat looks dorky sideways and he better turn it forward.
I loved it like that. I would have complimented him.
We leave and I keep a wary eye on the couple walking in front of me. He doesn't grab her hand nor she his and I wonder if they love each other at all.
I'd never let it go.
Now their holding hands as we explore Walmart for a sweater my date forgot to bring. They playfully bump hips along the isle and the pain increases.
I'm awkwardly quite as our dinner is served. My mind is playing memories like a movie reel, sending my emotions on a high and I use the menu to hide the subtle tears along the lines of my eye lids. His eyes haven't met mine all night.
It's as though I'm standing in a dark restaurant, screaming his name. I can see him at the corner table yet my voice wont reach. I wave my hands but the image is frozen to him, my frame is invisible and his focus is occupied.
He looks at her and his smile turns goofy. She shakes her head and rolls her eyes at his "silly".
Why? I wonder. He's more adorable than ever and my eyes can't escape the blue of his own.
Quit looking I remind myself. I raise my menu higher and lightly slap my left cheek. If I can just forget about his eyes... his laugh... his voice... I should make it through tonight.
The door opens sending a rush of wind our direction. My hair is rustled and his colonge crosses the table and lingers on my senses. A tear begins to deceive me, I quickly excuse myself to the restroom.
"I can't do this." I text a friend. "It's so much harder than I told myself it'd be. This is torture.. misery.. My heart is re-breaking."
A quick reply is followed by a lengthy explanation of how he hurt me, left me and chose a road that didnt include me by his side. "Put it behind you and have a great time!" she states.
"He's sitting right across from me! I have to be with him all night! Impossible!" I reply back in a flustered hurry.
He swears and I notice a look of ashamed guilt cross his eyes as he remembers my presence.
"That's new" I think to myself.
She impresses my date and he acknowledges it with "Wow Eddie, I approve of this one. You can marry her now."
"Ha!" She states. "Now you've just got to get my friends to approve."
Owe. Kill me. Kill me now. My hand finds my heart and I push, desperately trying to squash the pain arising. I want to run, scream, panic; But I'm closed in, sitting in the back with the rear view mirror haunting me with his eyes that still have yet to gaze in my direction.
"Look at me!!" I scream inside. As if my call was answered his focus meets my own for a split second. Enough to send my stomach into a knot and more threatening tears to the surface. I hide my bursting emotion by staring out the opposite window and pointing out how the grass is so green this time of year.
I wish my life away as I notice he doesn't look at her like he looked at me. Did he settle because he truly believed he wasnt good enough? I plauge myself with thoughts of yesterday and question after question why he left me for her... she who teases him relentlessly, who doesnt hold his hand or stroke his face. She who didnt kiss him hello, good day, good marrow and good night. She who looks like a mongoose and talks like a dirty sailor.
My heart burns for him and the moments of before and my hands shake as the butterflys in my stomach make me litteraly sick. My heart is breaking and i'm sure he knows.
My date worries but I cover by blameing the lactose I had for breakfast. I can tell he doesnt buy it. He knows the situation all to well and I feel guilty for dragging him along.
My throat chokes my face drops and my stomach reels as my perphipal vision shows his arm finally dropping around her shoulders. Without a moment between the landing she throws them off and shakes her head.
Why would he date her. What, in the name of everything I can think of, does he see in her.
I would hold your hand any moment it was free to grab. My lips would find yours frequently. Your hat could be any direction you pleased and I would think you were adorable either way.
You are everything, and I would work everyday at making sure you knew that.
You could look at me and I would return your gaze with a smile, I wouldnt roll my eyes and shake my head in disgust.
I escape through the door as the time has come to leave. I walk away as you say "You look like you are doing really well Shaina." As I catch your eyes I see a guilty apologie within your own, almost pleading with me to forget seeing you like this... and I wish I could.
But I can't... o' I can't.
"I am well." says my facade. And yesterday fades to memory.
