“Sincerely, Bobby Ray”
Sincerely. He signed it with Sincerely. A cruel eulogy to mark my grave stone.
I close my eyes and see through the pitch black his face, smiling at me as his apologies slither off his tongue as If they were meant to be caught.
I no longer feel broken. No no. I feel like the little mouse who is point 3 seconds away from seeing the darkness of his predator’s belly, as he Looks into the face that will forever haunt him, that is, if he shall survive the turmoil and lashing he is to be given first.
“I don’t want you to hurt anymore than you already have.”
Ok. I’ll stop. It’s that easy eh?
I wish there were warning signs on feelings… on those steps we take that maybe we wish to regret but can’t. Like this moment. Like that letter. Like him.
My eyes burn and I’m having trouble seeing the screen through these blasted tears. I can’t bring myself to stop reading his words for the 4th time.
“I don't want you to waste your time with mediocrity.”
Why do I feel the need to defend you when every part of me should be hating you. Why am I protesting against the harsh words you express towards yourself and disregard what the worst part of me probably wants to be feeling.
…..What might have been; how silly it seems now… the chase you were only mocking.
These memories are grim after each read. I slow the pace and take in each word, like an ice-cream cone I know I shouldn’t eat, but do anyway... Regretting the pain it’s caused later... only, so much less sugarcoated.
There are bits of me shattered in so many places that I can’t even begin to fathom fixing or replacing them.
You say.. I’m sorry.. as I say I love you.
I never thought I’d come so far… just to be kicked down.
It hurts. It hurts again. Only this time… this time it’s so much worse. This time… I don’t see an escape.