Hope for the Hopeless

Every once in awhile I think about you. 

Or. Maybe a bit more.

It doesn't help that your name, attached to so many memories, haunts the every crevice of my world. 

Tonight you were the door guard in "Social Networking" on my Meagan and I theater outing.

You've been an Author at Brauns Books, The Singer at church, from my peripheral view; You are in my mothers recipe book titled "Grandma ______'s famous french bread" How dare you.
You are on my works Ipod as the song "For _____" . You are on my city's billboard.
You are one of my sisters friends, friend. You are one of my brothers friends.
You are on a T.v. commercial. You are on that stupid Disney Channel show.
You are on a book. You are at the park, as a little boy being yelled for from his mother.
You are here, you are there, you are everywhere.
Joey has now become ______.  By my own accord. sorry.
You were in Hilo posing as a governor.
You are every guy I pass on my late night Walmart runs.

You are even one of the demonstrator's on my P90x Workout Video. 

 

On an average day, I hear your name 3 times. Although, there has not been one day in the last 10 months where I haven't heard it, at least once. 

 

I wonder if I hear your name because I want to. Maybe I bring it about, bring you about, because when your not around I'm wishing you were. 

But in honesty... When you are around.. at least, in the daily names... My emotions always find a moment to betray me as they leak floods of tears from the very eyes that promise me time and time again there will be no more tears. Whether it's in my morning shower, an extra bathroom break, a mail pick up, a secret stow away, or when my head hits the pillow- I always seem to reach the end of the day, praying once again for strength and making a silent oath not to break down the next day. 

The other day I watched an Episode Series on Netflix and one of the main Character's could be your clone. 

As if I was watching you live life... I broke down again when the series ended; only wanting to re-watch them to see your face. Even through a look alike. 

 

 I still love you. 

A song from Garth brooks.. 'Your Song'. Is everything I wish to say to you. 

Here are just a fraction of the lyrics. 

 

"It was your song that made me sing
It was your voice that gave me wings
And it was your light that shined
Guiding my heart to find
This place where I belong
It was your song

Every night I pray
Before the music starts to play
That I'll do my best and I won't let you down
And for all the times I've stood here
This feeling feels brand new
And any time I doubt myself I think of you "

I am eternally grateful to you for so many things. The biggest being Love. Though I can't help but feel so confused at times.. lost and bitter; wondering why and what if. I almost feel cheated out of something, someone, the only one. 

Ya know.. my biggest fear is that one day you may want to find me again, but out of fear, doubt, guilt.. or whatever it is, you'll decide not to. You'll be "the fool who just won't ask".

So .. you.. If by any chance, you ever read this. And maybe I'm the fool to leave this bit of myself open and waiting.. holding onto a piece of hope that I maybe shouldnt... 

"And the crazy thing about it
Is she’d take him back
But the fool in him that walked out
Is the fool who just won’t ask"

 

I'd take you back. 

What can I say, I still hope. 

If ever your eyes fall upon these words... Come find me. Please, come find me. 

-Elska

Hide your soul......

"Im so unsure of everything right now." i say with what's left of my voice.

My eyes are drawn to our intertwined fingers and I place my other hand over the others, squeezing his softly. 

"..but this.." I say signifying our tangled hands. "..this has never felt more right."

"You, have never felt more right."

I have decided that this story I write.. these words.. these memorable moments that are as real as today.. will either one day heal me.. or hinder me in this process of forging ahead.

In a letter to her foreign love, through the jumble of their mis-communications and seperate languages, a lady writes to her distant lover;

"Hide your soul from me, that I may always believe it to be beautiful."

I speak the same to you. Perhaps remembering you in such perfection.. perfection for me.. I can forget to remember the hurtful. 

I will forever keep you as a beautiful memory I fell in love with.

I write for you......

I look over my shoulder and see those eyes looking back at me. 

If I close my eyes and put my faith in somthing other than you and I, I still can't see a different design.

 So I'll write you a story you can understand. 

I'll help sort it out as the words unfold. 

Because you were right for me;

I better share that.

---

She's shining under those lengthy black lashes, beaming through that beautiful wide grin, tracing tiny circles in the palm of his hand as they sit indian style against opaque kitchen cupboards.

 He reaches for her hand, stopping the progression of circle number 16. And as their fingers intertwine she hears his voice echo with perfect reverence in the still kitchen "I'm falling in love with you Shaina.. "

 

---

Why? Because ... every voice has a story. 

..Even my broken one.

Today and Yesterday......

Dear you, 

I kept the best parts of me deep inside. 

Picking and choosing the 'me' you could see and the parts of me you couldn't. 

I pushed you away before you even realized it yourself. 

I was erasing you every new day as you created a you and I in your own reality that I'd never allow to happen. 

I said I needed the distance.
In the honesty I've now found.. I was just creating a resistance i thought I had to combat against.
How silly I was.
How wrong I was.

How right I am now... a now you wish not to see.

I wished you of promised you'd be coming back one day. 

I'd have some justification in my silly day dreams.. the ones where you show up at my door.

A movie told me last night that you either know its him when you meet him, or when you lose him. 

What if it happened both ways?

And what if.. for just a second, we both believed we could be an 'us'?

Would we be? We should be. We should have been.

Every day still burns like the last.

I still tuck myself in at night drying my tears on your blanket.. that one you left behind. 

The one you said would always belong to me. 

I hate it sometimes. I contemplated burning it in some kind of sacrificial fashion. 

It doesn't even smell like you. 

It's torn and dirty.

I suppose I hold on to it in hopes that one day.. we could co-own it. 

Stupid. I know. 

I lie. Because truly; I love that blanket almost as if it were you. 

Hoping you could do no harm.. I gave you my heart. 

With my arms around you, I heard you promise you would never hurt me. 

Instead... I hurt you. 

But time gave us another chance. 

This time.. . 

I gave you my heart, unafraid. 

This time...

You hurt me. 

I hear myself begging..

Please wait... just stay. 

I hear no echo as there is no reply.
I crawl with vacant eyes.

The remaining pain feels like a bandage that's been taped to my arm for too long...
...almost better to leave in place then to rip off as it clings to the skin beneath the adhesive.

I know that if I rip it from the wound, new skin will heal in place..
.. but I don't.
That's all..
I just... don't.

The days keep coming and I still crawl.
I feel worse at times.. as if time is increasing the pain rather than repairing all that I've lost.

I've lost you.
I did this.
You did this.
We... did this. 

I wish you wouldnt have changed your mind.
Why must we always change our minds?

Yesterday I decided I'd never regret you.
Today.. Its my turn to change my mind.
Today I hate you again.
Today I love you... enough to hate you.
Today I feel broken just like every day.

Today I wonder if this will ever end..

So with this.. I still hang on.. pleading for more..saying,

You know where I am.

Once again......

I pick one one foot up just to place it down upon a thorn.

The hole left behind is more painful then the pain of the prick.

Is it possible to be lost... again? 

As if I was the wick of an evening candle, let out on a windy day; my glowing flame was distinguished. Unable to re-light through the tumultuous storm.

In a new world I still find myself as the Shadow in a corner void of light.

A fly on the wall watching the movements of those in front of me,memorizing their conversations to pass the time, hiding from being involved.

Today the sun beats down hot against my already sun-kissed face. Country music serenades my soul and the smell of ribs basking in Teriyaki sauce is carried on the wind. Tantalizing my taste buds.

Details of what should have been the perfect barbecue, but i sit miserable in my glorious Hawaiian surroundings. Letting the absence of you ruin opportunity.

The day tarries on as I receive bad news.

I take off, running against the humid pavement.

Finding myself in the center of a baseball field I crouch to the ground and cry, relinquishing all because I don't know how else to channel the emotions.

I feel like I hate, because I'm trapped in a land I do not understand.

I feel the need to run because I hate this current life.

I sit on the moist earth, basking in my own thoughts. Pondering within because I don't want anyone to hear me out loud.

Suddenly there are running steps brushing through wet grass behind me and someone grabs my shoulders quickly before sitting in a place to my left.

"Hold your head high."

He begs me not to cry. Tells me I'm better than this. I'm asked to remember to keep moving forward. He tells me to never hang my head in sorrow; that I've done more than enough and now it's his turn to carry.

Once again, I cry because I don't know how else to channel my emotions.

I'm lost. I'm trapped in this void of not knowing where to push forward to. I'm sick of trying. I just want to get there already.

I am sick and tired.. of being sick and tired.

but today's a new day.. and through the sorrowful tears and painful bruises.. I'm coerced to face the dawn, stepping out onto a new patch.. hoping to skip the obstacles.

How do I run now.....

“Sincerely, Bobby Ray”

Sincerely. He signed it with Sincerely. A cruel eulogy to mark my grave stone.

I close my eyes and see through the pitch black his face, smiling at me as his apologies slither off his tongue as If they were meant to be caught.

I no longer feel broken. No no. I feel like the little mouse who is point 3 seconds away from seeing the darkness of his predator’s belly, as he Looks into the face that will forever haunt him, that is, if he shall survive the turmoil and lashing he is to be given first.

“I don’t want you to hurt anymore than you already have.”  

Ok. I’ll stop. It’s that easy eh?

I wish there were warning signs on feelings… on those steps we take that maybe we wish to regret but can’t. Like this moment. Like that letter. Like him.

My eyes burn and I’m having trouble seeing the screen through these blasted tears. I can’t bring myself to stop reading his words for the 4^th time.

“I don't want you to waste your time with mediocrity.”

Why do I feel the need to defend you when every part of me should be hating you. Why am I protesting against the harsh words you express towards yourself and disregard what the worst part of me probably wants to be feeling.

…..What might have been; how silly it seems now… the chase you were only mocking.

These memories are grim after each read. I slow the pace and take in each word, like an ice-cream cone I know I shouldn’t eat, but do anyway... Regretting the pain it’s caused later... only, so much less sugarcoated.

There are bits of me shattered in so many places that I can’t even begin to fathom fixing or replacing them.

You say.. I’m sorry.. as I say I love you.

I never thought I’d come so far… just to be kicked down.

It hurts. It hurts again. Only this time… this time it’s so much worse. This time… I don’t see an escape.

A little vague.....

Is it entertaining to watch me cry? Is it funny when I hurt? It must be curious to you, my reactions, when you shoot me down with coarse words and cruel accusations.

How could you say such things when you have not taken the time to learn of me. 

Please, quit saying you care for me just to hurt me when you get upset. You've all done it. Such a broad generalization. Sad to say in truth that it holds honesty.

My heart is fragile. I don't wish to give it away unless I am sure, I don't wish to share unless I trust, I don't wish to trust unless you are worth it- and you have shown me you are not worth it; he is.
He will always be. No matter how long it takes.

No need to demoralize me because I am in love. No need to scrutinize my character, when you do not know that character.

I'm tired of being looked at but not seen; Listened to but not heard.

So I take a break- 

Fool me once, Shame on you, Fool me twice... Shame on me......

Chocolate floats in my milk, swirling it around with a cookie I hope i'm not undoing what my Gym membership has done for me the past 2 weeks. Why can't I be the mourner who doesnt eat.. instead of drowning my sorrows in gallons of milk i'm allergic to and any sweets I can get my hands on, i wonder.
I fall asleep hours after hitting the pillow and wake like a drone, waundering through the day apathetic as one can get.
I hate how I'm feeling. I don't want to look in the mirror, the reflection only worries me.

I finally allowed myself to fall. I let someone in. Surprising, i know.

Fact: once again I stand corrected. There is no stability in men, no stability in love. I'll never believe. I wont.
There is only assurance that this will come around again and I will have another chance to feel the same, fall the same, and hit the ground.. the same.
But I say no thank you. Not again.


Just once, I'd like to be wrong. Stick around and prove me wrong. Love me, and prove me wrong.

How can words so truthful in the moment mean more to you than they did to the speaker...
When does someone decide their finished.. and why do they fail in explaining before you just end up missing them, wondering where they are and finally.. never seeing or hearing from them again.

Lie to me in the begining. The ending will be swift. Hate me from the start. I'll never have to love.
Scratch that... just don't come around. None of you. I'm through with walk outs. I will not start again.

All along I thought I had loved so many times, I finally realized, they only brought me to the point of loving you in such depth. Its a shame I only have that to look back on as well.

Where have you gone...