I do not hide behind a facade, but no more than a peacock hides its feathers do i show mine.
I've had allot of time to delve into what we will call, my inner reflections lately. In doing so i have realized that their is a vulnerability in me i wish for others to see yet i can't seem to pull it from hiding. I'm more reserved than i realized. My greatest friends are only allowed to know bits and pieces of who i am.
Ive come to the conclusion that my timidity may come from my want of acceptance. The fear that leaving nothing unseen may change opinions and i secretly yearn to be reassured by others that i am 'a okay'.
Wow- the sound of this on paper suprises me.
The little things are the ones that make a friendship, that i truly believe...
i make my own jewelry, my favorite animal is a penguin, dancing is my passion... small, but they define me. so why is it that i can't allow someone close to me.
Simple answer... my worst heartache is losing someone. And lost people, i have. lost friendships, i have. Lost family, i have.
I suppose i fear chasing people away... i fear being ugly in the eyes of people i love..... i want my life to be lovely in the eyes of someone other than my wacky self. I want assurance, that there is beauty. I want the beauty i see to be something they see... yet i fear that in another's opinion.. and even in my own. That beauty is no longer something i can find easily as before. I fear my own life.
So- after so much contemplative opposition within my own mind i came to the simple conclusion that I cannot seek refuge in someone else, i cannot beg for acceptance within someone else, i cannot yearn for another's approval, yet it is the approval of myself , 'to myself' that i must work on, that i must reach.
So my friends, in becoming acceptable in my own eyes, I will post more writings on things that are dear and near to me personally. The secret heart of this mystery girl, shall slowly be revealed.
That'll be interesting. :/
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