I have this one regret. Something I shouldn't hold on to, but i do.
I have unforgettable moments swimming laps through my mind that despite how hard I try, I can't forget.
I have kisses lingering on my lips, some so sweet I can almost still feel them, and others so bitter I hate that they still hang there.
I'm hurt by no one but myself. I'm saddened by the very fact that no one believes that.
I want everything I can't have. I want someones that don't want me.. and the wants are whats killing me.
I'm literally being torn apart by a stomach rejecting everything inside. Brutal pain that on a daily basis I try to hide.
I'm in constant reflection. Constant self negotiation. fervent introspection.
And what i've come up with.....
You gotta move on.
I think im coming into some understanding of that phrase. And to everyone and anyone who's ever said it to.. no matter your own definition.. I should have taken the time to find my own sight of what that meant before i bit your head off. I apologize. Because you were all right.
moving on is not about taking your past and dumping it somewhere you never have to visit again.
It's not about looking back at the wrongs, the rights and all the missteps and deleting them.
moving on does not entail removing from your life or even feeling a different way about someone.
It doesn't mean you can't mourn. It doesn't mean you can't still get angry. And it doesn't mean you forget.
It's a paradigm shift. It's a decision you never made before. it's saying screw you, when before you couldn't find the words.
moving on is picking up your feet from where they've been planted for however long, and beginning again to take a step.
It's not about having a direction or even picking a direction. But it's about that moment your eye lids first open in morning and you get to decide how to cope with the day.
Today I chose to see, something i didn't see.
Today I'm choosing to move on. Not leave behind.
In moving on I realize what I love, what i did love and what and who did love me. And at the very same time, in the very same seconds, I see what I didnt and shouldnt have loved, who didnt and shouldnt have loved me, and with all that information, suddenly I know better.
You didn't wrong me for not loving me... you wronged me in the words you said and the actions you chose when you knew you didn't and knew i did. For that I mourned.. but I'm starting to see that maybe Its ok to be angry. It's ok for a little while to find a malice towards the way it happened and wish you hadn't done such.. that I hadn't put the situation in context enough, to do such.
And with that... I'm finding that what i deserve, and what I should have received are two very different things.
if im being utterly honest with what my heart is definitely feeling.. I still wish you'd come around.. i still wish that you'll see me.. miss me.. want me..
And my heart still says it will want you.
Although... with today.. with my 'coping' today... Everything points to the fact that I deserve someone different. someone new. something different and new.
It's not that your not worth it.. because you are.
It's not that I don't love you.. because I do.
But its because somethings are more beautiful at a distance.
In actuality, I love you from afar because up close you don't want me.. yet at a distance.. you can't see me.
In actuality, the others want me up close.. but from a distance.. i am invisible and they to inept to see.
I shouldn't have to say such anymore. I shouldn't have to blog my sorrows in a way that doesn't even make sense all because my heart is broken.. and I don't know how to repair it.
I don't deserve the friendships that accuse me, or the hurt of a friend who hasn't looked long enough to understand me. And yet I let those people into my life... I let them into my heart.. I choose to let them see what i choose to let them see... I choose the disillusions or the honesty.
Am I the very reason for all of this?
Yes.
And for that reason alone...
I will move on. I am moving on.
To re-instate what this includes.. let me heed no caution to the humorless wind, or any care to the onlooking readers... "to your own self be true"...
I do not forget you Bobby. I do not end my feelings for you. I do not mask them. I am choosing to take your answer and none other. I will live tomorrow as though I am not loved by you, and therefore, we will live two different lives where I am me, alone, and you are you, alone. I choose to no longer to waste a tear on your choice. Simply that.
Tonight: I hated for 5 seconds. and after 5 seconds i got bitter. and after 10 seconds everything else came back. and after I turned a single hate onto a multitude of hate.. I realized you wanted me up close.. but from far away you'd rather not try. Goodbye Eric.
Oregon. I was coming to you for so many reasons. Too many complicated ones and one simple one.
Home.
After yesterday, that is the lone reason. School is an option.. the complications is an option. But Home is why. and I will leave it at that. Because despite what every complication and desire inside of myself is saying.. that is the only and true reason I am coming to you.
Family. I Love you. but I WILL leave you. I will follow every dream and take up every opportunity that comes my way. I will bask in ambition and feel as passionately about tomorrow as I do today.
With that said... you can hate me for leaving again and again.. i know it's tempting. and it's deserving. But it's time you know that the dreams inside of me are tired of lying dormant and I have to do something with them, or I will cease to exist.
Self. From this point on, I decide to float above what my opinion tells me. I'm not saying my opinion changed.. im saying that my self image is in anyway transformed. but I'm moving on from all the self mutilating perceptions of my image i hold.
Which means... I'm trying.
Which means... I'm trying.
This probably doesn't make sense to the reader... my typing isn't quick enough to keep up with my thoughts.
But just so you all know... I'm moving on. Im going to wake up tomorrow and decide to choose something new.. a different way of feeling.
I am going to fight every single second i see myself in the mirror to not say tragic things about myself.
I'm going to lift my hands from the keyboard when my broken heart thinks of him.
Tomorrow will be hard.. the next day will be hard... but you gotta move on... you gotta keep walking.. you gotta whisper to yourself all day.. every excruciating day that you 'can' and you 'will' and someday it will change.
Because I can't live like this anymore... I can't feel like this anymore... and I can't just pretend to feel something else.
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