My Own Personal Friday Nuke

In reply to your e-mail John John..... 

.... I do feel that way. Often. 

Because today, I too wanted to run away. 

I wanted to get my car and drive until it couldn't drive any more; and than I would walk until my feet couldn't take anymore walking. 

I wanted to disappear today. I wanted to forget about my reality and allow that reality to forget about me. 

Why do I have to care about what my family would think or how it would hurt them? 

Why can't I join the careless and heartless and just flee where I can never be found?

Some days I feel strong, and others... others I hide myself in the front row of a dark theater where no one can see my face, and I cry every blasted tear that I've been stuffing inside. ... like today.

Here are my honest emotions of the day..... 

I hate Lincoln for having a girlfriend the past month that he's "ready" for, when his excuse for breaking it off with me was not being ready in the first place. 

I hate Bobby for kissing me to see if he felt fireworks and when he didn't, leaving me behind with the ones I 'did' feel. 

I'm angry that Brent is getting married next week. That I'm not able to show off a ring of my own.

I'm mad at Bobby for making me go back into the dating world... the cruel one in which I don't belong. 

I'm tired of hearing how perfect my brothers marriage is and how troubled my sisters is, when I can't relate to either side.

I'm dieing inside that my little sister is pregnant when our entire lives we made plans to walk this side of life together. It's tainting my excitement... because I'm soo caught up in my own agony rumbling around inside my gut.

I feel left behind when my best friend just had her second baby.

I'm hurt that my sister in law is twisting my pain into something else. That she can't see the pain in my eyes is nothing in retaliation to her and my brother but rather my own self loathing and loss.

I hate having to remind people. I hate having to justify myself. I hate hearing 'get over it' and 'let it go'. "You deserve more." and " his loss."

I want to yell DONT YOU KNOW THAT I KNOW BEING REJECTED MEANS THEY DONT WANT YOU!! DONT YOU KNOW I GET IT! DONT YOU KNOW I KNOW THEY DONT LOVE ME!

None of that makes it easier. 

In fact, it makes it worse. 

You have your loves, you have your husbands and your wives,Your girlfriends, boyfriends and fiance's, your babies and your business plans. 

But I don't.

Quit pointing out what I have. I've had all that my whole life... It's what I don't have that I need.. that I'm missing.. that im hurting for. It's what I don't have that I'm watching everyone else get.

That is why im hurting. I'm hurting because I would have said Yes. I would wear his ring. I would take his name. 

Not only that but He didnt want me. he DIDNT want ME. and neither did he.... or him.. or him.. or him.. 

Im a bucket of refusals. A tainted heart of one hurt after another. 

So Kamie, Look at me and see that NO- I AM NOT ANGRY WITH YOU. or Brandon.. When i say that I mean that. No amount of letters you send me about sharing my feelings or expressing my anger is going to get any further results. Im not angry with you, or anyone else for that matter. But myself. 

I knew it would end this way.. I knew Id say I love you and not receive the same reply- but i took that 20 seconds of courage and said it anyway.. and when what I knew would happen did... just because I knew it would.. didnt mean i was prepared. didnt mean i was ready. didnt mean it hurt any less. 

If anything, be angry with me- because I know my hurt is effecting everyone around me. again. I know Im shutting you all out, that my friendships are crap. that I cant keep a friend to save my life. That I forget important dates and cancel the ones Id rather not go to. I know im no fun. 

But please... Ive never been allowed to hurt.. to mourn. Let me mourn. PLEASE let me mourn. 

One more thing.. 

I know to find love, I must quit searching for it. And I know I must love myself and find confidence before someone can and will love me. 

I hear it every day. I believe it.. i know it. 

But If I hear it one more time.. I just may really Run away.

I know this blog went totally off the initial subject.... but today I feel like a nuke with seconds left on my clock. 

Today I need to explode.. and i dont know how.