Wonders and worries......

Today is October 8, 2012

Today I feel lonely. I feel tears on the brink of falling, yet I suck them in, refusing to accept what my heart aches for.

It’s always this time of year I start to feel so down and melancholy. His Birthday. My birthday. The anniversary of everything that changed me.

I try so hard to let go. But pieces of me still hold on. Unfortunately its all the pieces I care too much about to surrender.

This weekend was General Conference. I didn’t watch it. But boy did that stir up emotions. Emotions I forgot I had.

They changed the age for missionaries. Girls can leave at 19 now, and all I thought when I heard that was “Screw you.” If only they had had that rule when I was 19. I would have served a worthy mission and it would have saved me from the life im leading now.

 Yet in that very same breath, I don’t hate my life… I just hate the things I choose. Im trying to change…. Yet im still unsure who I should be, or in what direction im changing.  Do I go back to the church? Or do I just believe and choose God over the world? And does the knowledge I know keep me from his kingdom, or am I still a good person who is granted his forgivness and love? And if im granted forgiveness, can I truly be forgiven when what I do I know is wrong? And is it wrong because I was raised to believe such? Or is truly wrong and not of God.

I am so lost. I am so confused.

I need a saving grace. I need a light in the darkness.

Why couldn’t I have chosen Jesse? He was saving me. He was helping me see myself again. I miss that. I miss him. I miss all he gave me in such a short time.