My sister is 22 Today.
Happy Birthday Sis.
You have always been prettier than me, thinner than me, cuter than me, funnier than me, more talented than me, more social than me, smarter than me, more popular than me,
a better guitar player, a better singer, a better cook, a better writer, a better friend, a better sister, a better schmoozer.
You get boyfriends. I don't.
You have freckles. I don't.
You look better in a swim suit.
And you know what's the worse part?
When you decided once upon a time that you no longer needed me. I said "Fine!" I didn't need you either. And I let all those things above, keep me from loving our differences and appreciating you.
I hated that you could go off and live a life without me just fine; But there I was, trying to live life without my best friend, trying to be alone- and I was miserable.
I wanted you to miss me. I wanted you to decide to come back. I wanted you to remember the friends we used to be.
You didn't.
And I went on hating you. I went on hating that everyone loved you more. That Mom and Dad ran to your aid no matter the situation but I had to make my way on my own. I hated that Jamon defended you. I hated that you could do everything wrong, I could do everything right.. yet they still loved you more.. noticed you first.. helped you and not me.. missed you, and not me.
I was mad for a long time.
It got worse when you said you hated us. When you walked away and didn't write or call.
So I didn't write or call.
Yet they all still defended you. They all still saw you first. They all loved you more.
I couldn't get praise, I wasn't seen. I wasn't loved.
Every conversation was about you. Every letter was about you. Every phone call, was about you.
You went off and lived your own life, and everyone wanted to be there for you.
I went off and lived mine, and I failed; time and time again, with no one there to pick me up or even watch me tumble.
They didn't even notice. They didn't even care.
Heck, they didn't even care to ask why.
If they had; maybe they would have realized.
Promises were broken so they could run to you. Promises to me were forgotten so they could be there for you.
I was forgotten, misplaced, and completely alone.
---
Last year I took some time to forget all of that.. to forgive all of that. To forgive them, and to forgive you.
Last year.
I can't believe I held onto all that for soooo long.
I can't believe I wasted sooo many years hating you, when really, I just missed you.
I'm sorry Shantel.
You texted me about a month ago and said for the first time that I can remember.. or at least- the first time I remember 'hearing'... You missed me, and you wished we talked more. You wished we were friends like before.
I wish you knew how much that one text changed my entire perspective.
Because sometimes, you can forgive.. but forget to forget.
This time- I've pushed it all aside. And for the first time in approximately 6 years, I can say....
You are once again my friend, and sister.
Finally.. after 6 years.
Once again, I am so sorry.
I love you. Allot.
And I can't wait to see you on March 17th.
You are Beautiful Shantel. You are Talented. You are wise, and you are more wonderful than any man will ever deserve- even though I Love Trevor with all my heart-
Happy Birthday Telt.
P.s. You gave me Mr. Knightly- and for that, I love you even more. :)
6 comments:
='( There's a lot of pain on that subject. But I miss her so much.
oh... Man... I am no longer reading these blogs I cry to much...lol. It reminds me of Kenny...I hate you for being better than me! lol Love the blog...love you!
my sister i have always loved you, always missed you, the feelings of not being cared for are normal with a family of 9 i have countless memorys of everyone forgetting me and being there for you. i remember our parents drove all the way to oregon to tell you they were getting divorced, but i lived one state away, and found out last, over the phone, and mom thought i already knew. like it was a small subject i should have known. surprise surprise. life is full of dissappointments. i dont even remember you calling when you went off to college and left me alone.. so why would it hurt you so much when i didnt call? my reasons for leaving were my own. i dont remember you asking either. other wise you would have understood. i realised just the other day why we stopped talking... it was my fault, but for reasons i thought you would never understand. im hurt you would post this letter. that you would try and sum up our hole life in a letter and post it for others to see and judge somthing they dont understand, how could they? when we obviously dont understand it all our selfs. how could we? we dont talk. we dont visit. how could anything get solved. i have never hated you i was always jelouse of you. i understand the feeling of needing to vent. but your blogs are hurtful to people you care about. if you have harbord feelings torwards someone you love. write to them.. not to the world... because the world will never solve your problems. will never heal your heart. if anything it will only tear you apart more. we have more in common than you know... the saddest part is i dont know you at all. for 6 years i havent known you. for 6 years you havent known me. and for 6 years, we ignored neglected and destroyed our friendship together without even knowing.
im hurt. your hurt.
welcome to the world.
i still miss you
i still love you.
it will never change.
im sorry you feel this way.
your sister forever
`telt
p.s
im sorry about march 17th.
i really wanted to see you.
Telt- In no way was this meant to hurt you. I'm baffled that you took it that way.
This was me, trying to show you how wrong I was in hating you for so long. This was my apology. My gift to you. My surrender of my own faults.
I write. That's what I do. The world doesn't care what i say. And I'm pretty sure their not going to take time to judge you from what I've written.
Why worry of such?
I only meant to tell you I love you. And I was glad you were in my life. Im sorry you looked over that point.
And Im sorry I hurt you. Again. And again.
Your right. We don't know each other. At all.
if you ever feel like visiting. maybe so we could get to know each other, my house is always open to you. maybe we should start over.
and i could always use the company love and support of a sister, a friend.
`telt
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