The Hardest One......

Letter Challenge Day#14: The one who broke your heart the hardest

I write secrecy allot. 

I hide names and faces. 

I close stories before they finish. 

I leave details out so others won't know. 

But today- Today, in this letter, you'll find me in honesty. 

As vulnerable as ever- this is For Bobby Lee Ray.

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When I close my eyes, I'm twenty years old again.

The rain is coming down hard, a spring shower in early March, drops as large as nickles, and I'm more worried over missing the chance to hold your hand, than my short drenched hair or sopping wet jeans.

I'm wishing you'd kiss me. The moment is perfect. So I daydream while I'm awake; where in my head, I stop you under that dripping tree and kiss you myself. Leaving you Enchanted; and I'm smiling. Giddy. Happy.

But you don't. 

My eyes stay closed as I hear myself speak phrases I wish I could take back. I see myself pulling away, slamming that door; hearing the wretched squeal of wet tires on asphalt as you speed away from everything that used to be you and I; just as I asked. Just as I forced. 

And this day haunts me. I think to myself.. If this day had never happened... maybe last year would have been as it should have been. 

But than I take back regret and just miss you. I miss you. 

When my eyes are open I see your name on every visual. I hear you. I'm reminded of you every moment of every day.

The thing that gets me the most is that we had another chance. We finally felt the same. We were finally on the same plain of friendship and love, and this time I was ready. 

Only, this time I wasn't the one to slam the door. 

You once told me life was as perfect as we make it; 

And for the first time, my heart and head agreed. 

On you.

I suppose you could say I was the prince in this scenario. Riding up on my white stallion, begging you to ride out into the moonlight with me. Laying down my sword and shield for the first time, I reached out my hand. 

But you broke my heart Bobby, when your hand didn't reach mine. 

You hurt me because you loved me- and than you changed your mind. 

You hurt me because when you changed your mind, you didn't have the decency to tell me. 

You hurt me when you decided on your own that telling me was too hard, choosing silence instead. 

I came to see you. 

I came to knock on your door and tell your answering smile that I love only you. 

What you may not know- I brought my tax return that day... ready to leave Cedar City behind when you said you loved me too.

Despite popular belief- You were him for me. I'd never put my feelings on the line like that before. I'd never been so honest. I'd never been so open. I'd never been so vulnerable. 

I'd never been so right about anything in my life. 

Loving you was right.

If you had just told me before I came. 

If I had just known. 

If you had only been there. 

But you hid because you were too scared to tell me. 

You ran because you were a coward. 

I hate saying such things about you. Because I knew 'you'. I knew your character. You weren't like that. You aren't like that. So how could you of been... like that?

I'll defend your character till the end. But I still wonder.

If you had seen the crocodile tears I cried. 

If you could have experienced the following 6 months of my life.

The sunken face. The dark eyes. The pale complexion. The hollow heart. The lack of life.

The missing smile. 

If you had only known what I felt, maybe you would have taken my hand after all.... or so I liked to believe.

I wrote you diligently for nearly 5 months with no reply. 

And between that time, not one of those letters moved you into submission enough to write me?

Not one hurt you enough, in knowing of my hurt, to tell me?

That was my hurt than. 

My hurt now is confusion. 

The Why's? How's? and why not's?

I know we all can't always be in love. 

I know love doesn't last for everyone the way it does for one. 

I know you can wake up one morning in what you think is true love and wake up the next with nothing. 

I of all people, have seen love fade. I know love is unpredictable. I know love is mistrusting and misleading.

But what I don't know.. Is... How can you let someone so in love with you, think that you are so in love with her; and let that feeling fester a deep wound of doubt and misleading until that someone, in this case 'me', has lost everything she was, is, could be, and desired to be. 

How could you listen, hear, see, the pain, the hurt, the confusion, and not lift a hand in defense of your own truth. 

Most of all. When you 'fell out of love'- You should have told me. Rather than let me still believe. 

I can't blame you for it all though. 

6 months was a long period of time for me to hold on with no tug on the other end. 

Maybe I should of let go sooner. 

I guess you could say, that was a testament of how much I truly care. 

To quote a song.. Maybe I would have been somthing you'd be good at. 

And maybe you could of been something i'd be good at.

I know I love you. 

I know I wanted to follow you to ends of the earth. 

I wanted to see you that day. I wanted to take your hand, kiss your lips for the first time, and tell you in fervent honesty that I love you Bobby Ray. That I was ready for you to call me yours, If I could call you mine. 

I wanted to ride off into that moonlight with you, never looking back. 

You broke my heart the hardest because I loved you the greatest. 

Actually... You broke my heart the hardest because I love you. And only you. 

It's always been you. 

But honesty once more... 

It's been a long time. A long time of remembering, and never forgetting. And I want to move on. 

I want to finally escape so that maybe.. just maybe.. I can find someone.. somewhere.. someday; that believes true love doesn't fade. And maybe.. just maybe.. I'll trust him.

So Bobby, Please let me try. 

Goodbye.