For my Father in Heavan

Today I decide to acknowledge God. No reason other than because I love him. 

------

I don't always have something glorious or profound to say. But even still, every Sunday I write to God.

I pour my heart to him whether I feel happy as a clam or as blue as blue can be; on days I have the world of news to gossip about, or nothing at hand to describe. 

One Sunday in a woman's talk over the pulpit she said "We can't write to God, that's not how we should communicate." But as I already stated- I had been writing to God since I could remember, and I greatly disagreed with her. ( in my mind of course )

I pray.  Allot. 

But I also write. And I know, even though it's on paper, God see's my heart and understands. 

On July 11, 2010 I wrote a letter to God the day before returning from Hawai'i. It's not the greatest or most well written letter. But I've kept that letter snug in my wallet, which I carry in my bag, every day, with me each time I leave the house; Reminding me on the hard days, what I love and know to be true.

It reads:

Dear God, 

I've never once doubted you. But sometimes I forget to love you. 

I've blamed you from time to time; in that, I am not perfect. And for that, I am so sorry, and beg for your forgiveness. 

God, I tend to walk ahead, making my path; but when I take a break and look down- I see your steps right in tune with mine, and I thank you for never leaving my side- even in the thick of the forest where your steps have startled me. 

You carry a rope- always sure to lead me to the beginning if something should go wrong- and I thank you for those times where you've let me take lead as you've held onto the hems of my shirt- allowing me a turn to learn through success or failures. 

God, you are my tears on a lonely day, and the friend who wipes them away when I am found. 

God, you have given me strength to get through the thick patches and patience when it takes time to trim the hidden trail. 

You give me breath when I cannot find my own, and vision when my own is unfocused. 

Thank you for love and lessons learned. 

Thank you for loss and the will to stand back up. 

Thank  you for those who understand me. 

God, I thank thee, for thee. 

I love you Father. See you in the Eternities. 

♥Shaina

On June 19th 2010. I found myself sitting on a mound of Lava rock on the oceans edge, dripping tears onto my open notebook, and for the first time in my life, I yelled at God for the struggles and the pain my 22 years had brought thus far, bouncing off the every cursed day of my Hawai'i life.. 

I wrote:

Dear God, You leave me, hanging from a pole, letting them take their swings. 

You took him away. 

Dear God. you've tortured me in love. 

Dear God. You broke my heart. 

I've abandoned you, because I blame you. 

You took my dad, and left my family hollow. 

You showed me true love, brought it to my doorstep and then took that away as well. 

You take me place to place but keep home just out of reach. 

God, do you punish me for some unseen sin?

Is this loneliness a product of some foreboding weakness I have yet to change?

When I cry, I do not hear you. And when I ask, I do not receive. 

I sit along side the ocean, cursing you in the uncertainty of my life. 

I tire of being clueless and blind to your majesty. 

Dear God. I do not trust you. 

I am hard and callus and I almost beg for your hand to send me home to my maker. 

If this is a test, what am I to learn pain to pain?

I can no longer pick myself up just to be tripped again. 

Father- I beg you for a reverie.

Help thou my unbelief. 

---

That reverie came the very next day, fathers day, as I sat in church. I simply wrote.. 

"Dear God, I was wrong. 

Very wrong. 

I'm sorry. 

Happy Fathers Day. 

I love you. 

--

And the thing is- I know he knew I was sincerely sorry. But despite my apology- He still understood my pain, and I'm pretty positive, as I sat on that hard rock that day in Hawai'i- grieving over every painful day; He cried with me. Not because my words were harsh, or hurtful. But because He knew my pain. He knows, my pain. 

So father... today I want to Thank you. 

On those hard days when you knocked and I slammed the door, locking you out of a life I couldn't make out on my own; I thank you for waiting outside that door, with your hand always extended, patient in those quite knocks, letting me know you were always there. 

Thank you for never giving up on me. Especially when my hurt gets the best of me.

I love you. 

I'll end with a few quotes from a song by Jericho Road. 

You Melt the Madness. 

"It seems this crazy world is never gonna change, 

so Lord I want you to change me.

And in the chaos i'll be calling out your name,

wont you set me free- with your serenity."

"You melt the madness, you calm the fear inside me, 

when the world is spinning out of control. 

You stop the struggle, 

lord its your love that brings sweet rest to my soul,

and my heart knows- you melt the madness."