O' hearts and mismatched weather......

Today's one o' them grey days. 

Since I woke this morning I've been stuck in this ugly despairing cycle of feeling bad for myself.
O' Blue world. Go away. Won't you save these sorrows for another day?


I won't even attempt to sugar coat it.
I'm sure of you.
I hate this.
I'm writing again; but ignoring the blog.
I'm finding ambition but am lacking the drive.
I'm losing myself in work and exercise yet fighting the emotional binge eating when I'm alone.
My playlist changed. 
Sappy sorry love stories sing to me through deeply depressing, yet so eloquently empathetic; poetic verse.
I lye in bed but my eyes don't close.
I shut out the world, but I can't stop the thinking. 
I hid it. I didn't tell anyone for nearly a week and a half.

I'm sure you've guessed it by now.
I have fallen victim to a broken heart.

But wait- Before you assume this is as the others where I become utterly destroyed and lose every piece of who I was..
I would like to tell you boldy, you are wrongfully deceived. 


You may wonder what happened.
You may be curious to the point of already hating this vague blog entry.
Reader.. I shant tell you anything, other than this. 

When I finally took the time to stop and look behind me, at who and what I had left behind.. forgot to pick up.
There you were. There you've always been. And you shine.
I continue to adore you. 
I enjoy who i am, before him, with him, and after him.
I am not lost this time around.
Only, I now know how it feels to be found; and I miss you.

So blue day. Take those dark clouds from my wilted shoulders and holler to the sun. For I am ready to be seen no longer in shadow.
One day he may see that I see that beautiful bright sun, in him.
But if he doesnt.. if he never does.
I'll still sing...
"Rain, rain, go away
Come again some other day
Rain, rain, go away
Bring my love a sunny day. "

Oh but I give in. I just truly want to sit here and cry for a bit. I really want the sorrow I've been pushing away for two weeks to consume me for one minute.. dowse me in falling tears, think of every perfect moment.. every cherished kiss.. every hug.. your scent.. your hands.. your face.. the talks.. your words.. That hug..  than shake it off and face a new day with you by my side. But of course... that last part wont be there. at least not in the way my head and heart desire.


Wanna play guess again?
Guess what I did tonight?
I googled "Saddest break up movies" and searched the results through netflix.

And through all of those, and there were SOoooOo many. I found my favorite quote. And I am dedicating it to Link. But lets get this straight. I am not Holly in this scenario. At least.. not now.
Breakfast at Tiffany's- an incredible adoring movie. Probably my favorite.
Prepare your hearts. 

"Paul Varjak: Holly, I'm in love with you.
Holly Golightly: So what?
Paul Varjak: So what? So plenty! I love you. You belong to me.
Holly Golightly: No. People don't belong to people.
Paul Varjak: Of course they do.
Holly Golightly: I'm not going to let anyone put me in a cage.
Paul Varjak: I don't want to put you in a cage. I want to love you.
Holly Golightly: It's the same thing.
Paul Varjak: No it's not. Holly...
Holly Golightly: I'm not Holly. I'm not Lula Mae, either. I don't know who I am! I'm like cat here, a couple of no-name slobs. We belong to nobody and nobody belongs to us. We don't even belong to each other. 

---

Paul Varjak: You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself. 

 I don't know what else to say. Truly Im stumped. those clarify everything I feel... everything my head is saying.. everything my heart is feeling.. everything i want to say to him.. everything he wont listen to.. everything he chose...

But you know what's my real favorite?

"You know what's gonna happen to you? I am gonna march you over to the zoo and feed you to the yak."

But that's another day.. in another blog. Totally irrelevant to this topic. 

I've had enough. 

Ciao. 

Elska..?

Better days....